Ever gift-wrapped an item of clothing?
It’s lame,
If you don’t puncture the wrapping paper in the process of wrapping,
you’re bound to puncture it during transport to
your Dad’s house, your friend’s home, or the white elephant work party.

This morning, after a trip to Fred Meyer department store,
I decided I needed to wrap one particular gift (because it was fabric)
first inside of a box, then inside the flashy
black and candy cane wrapping paper
At this point, I was long gone from Fred Meyer’s,
contemplating the wrapping clothing items bit while
stopped at a red light

I’ll head to the neighborhood grocer for a box!, I decided
Jolly, I turned the radio dial to Christmas tunes
(the guy and I have really been loving them this year!)
and headed toward the Red Apple Market, the grocer closest to home

I parked the car, thinking I’ll be out of here in a snap!
Just a couple of mornings ago, I’d seen a cashier entering
inventory behind a big, pile of luscious sand-colored boxes
Upon entering the market this morning,
I saw that same pile of boxes, and behind it, a cashier man

Hi! I said to the cashier man
I was wondering if I could get just one box — small to medium sized
I was eyeing the exact box I wanted, it was teetering on top of the big pile,
opened, with nothing in it, and, yep, small to medium-sized
The cashier man looked at me in the eyes, said:
I haven’t got a thing. I won’t have a box for you until
I do produce and I’m a good hour behind on that!
Oh.. I said, looking at him from behind the huge pile of
gorgeous Little Debbie boxes.
You can come back then if you want, he finished.

I, through gritted teeth, cheerily replied, Hm…well, okay, thanks!
Reminding myself: kill ’em with kindness, kill ’em with kindness.
Two things:
1. I shop at Red Apple Market at least once a week
2. I personally despise when clerks, servers, flight attendants, etc.
(and, hey, I’ve been one!)
use phrases like “I don’t have any boxes right now or
I juuust ran out of key-lime pie or
I’m all out of peanuts but I do have pretzels.

You are working for a grocer, restaurant, airline,
You are not the owner of the boxes, the pie, or the peanuts.
Get over yourself.
You have coworkers! And bosses.
Look around you.
Try: “we unfortunately sold out of the key-lime pie”

Oh, and give me one, just one, of the boxes I’m
standing behind over here
Have some holiday spirit, man,
else take off that cheery santa hat!

Several years ago
I had a psychic reading
Not at one of those hole-in-the-wall places
with the flashing lights
and crystal balls

It was done in my living room

My former roommate, Sydney, had her future read frequently
Sydney had the same lady come over to our house
oh, every couple months or so
Always when nobody was home
I don’t remember how it was arranged
but the next thing you knew,
I too was signed up for a reading
Sydney promised not to tell the “medium” a thing about me
That way we could insure accuracy

The medium didn’t wear a long, flouncy dress
Or bring a satchel full of rocks and crystals,
She showed up in her subaru car,
dressed in a North Face pullover and jeans
Said to me, this isn’t my day job

We sat facing each other in the quiet house
Nobody there except for us,
That was one of her rules
That nobody else be there, too distracting

She took a few minutes to gauge me,
Had her eyes closed, seemed to be sniffing around at the air
Like she were some kind of animal.
I closed my eyes too, I was tired

Maybe its custom to start out by saying
a few nice things about the person.
Because that’s what she did at first,
mentioned a few of my qualities
Built me up a little bit.
She said she noticed that I was a writer.

She told me: Keep writing, someday there will be people helping you.
As you can imagine, I was pleased that this was one of
the first things she mentioned.
She was good

She went on to say that there was a person from
my past, who wished to speak to me.
From a past life, from a past life, she clarified.
The medium then, with her eyes still closed,
started speaking in a stranger, lower voice
I realized that the spirit was speaking through her:
It’s you! It’s you! I cannot believe I can finally speak to yyyooou!
The emotion that came with this voice brought tears to my eyes
Ooooohhhhh, youuuuuuuu! Oh, oh, you are sssso lovely in this life!
The voice was truly eerie,
but my, what a compliment! Lovely?

The medium broke the contact with the spirit
She looked at me and said:
Whoever that was they sure are fond of you.
But, know that not every spirit is good.
Spirits, like humans, are both bad and good.
Let’s move on, she said

I have some advice for you, based on what I’m seeing:
First, know that a good way to gauge your happiness, is that
you are happiest when you are most light on your feet.

I would imagine..

Second, you should eat less spicy food. More fresh food.

No and okay.

You are very serious, watch more funny movies and tv shows.

Now, I have given you some advice about how to better your life,
I’d like to mention just a few other things before we close:

You are wondering if you will have
everlasting love: you are not the type.
You will not be with the same man for all of your life.

I’ll show you!

You are wondering if you will be happy when you move from Arizona.
You will be happy, you will be more whole than you have ever been.

In the distant future I see you standing up on a hill,
inside of a prairie or meadow.
Your arms are wide open.
You are rejoicing because
you have finally reached the place
where you’ve been headed all your life.

I will keep my eyes wide-open for that place..

That was the last psychic reading I’ve had
The woman told me all I needed to know,
and then some.
Knowing your future is not fun.
Whether its true or not.
I mean, there’s the good:
I should keep writing!
People will be helping me with it!
I’m going to stretch my arms out wide like a crazy
person while standing in a high-elevation prairie!
And then there’s the bad:
I should give up Thai food,
no relationship I will ever be in will last.

Enough is enough,
I know enough now.
I will seek that meadow where
I will be whole and free
and I will try my darndest to have a long,
happy marriage someday.

I paid her $25 bucks that day
She told me a whole lot more
But its been so long that I forgot it
I hadn’t written it down because
at the time I thought I’d remember it all.

*Note: I dug this poem up on my dusty ol’ zip drive. It was written at least one year ago. Sadly I have no new material (that I’m willing to share with you). Somebody piss me off already and give me something to write about geez!

Its 1:45 a.m.
I’m sitting inside a 24 hour diner
on the outskirts of Grants Pass, Oregon
There are four silver-haired men
huddled together at a table near to me
They are talking loudly and laughing

They all order coffee

The waitress is a blonde-haired woman
with brunette roots
She’d called me “hon” when I took a seat
I like her

She’s wearing a black sequined top
and a scrunchie in her hair
The only modern thing about her
is a lip piercing
You know what you want?
She asks one of the silver-haired men.
His voice booms back at her:
I always know what I want! What time you get off?
His eyes blatantly scan her crotch
The other men at the table ROAR with laughter
I listen from the next booth over,
Thinking the waitress might kick them out,
I’m ready to defend her

The waitress hesitates for a moment…
Then, to my surprise, she replies:
Seven o’clock
And gives the asshole a wink