Dressing

Mostly always modest,
I wear my one-piece swim
suits like a relic or a
ghost woman
on the shore

I cover up and I
end up getting so
steaming hot
that I tear off those
heavy unnecessary
clothes back at home
feet screaming in the
September heat
I tear the black
scarf from my neck
like I am my own damn
birthday present
I unwrap myself and
when I look into the
mirror
I see that I am naked
and somewhat beautiful
and if I just showed off
a shoulder or two…
but then I forget and
I wake and I wrap
myself up again
in cloth and jean
and leather

I roast in the
Indian summer
wondering
Who is it
that I’m hiding
from?

At the Post Office

So full of dreams
like me
a young woman
comes in for keys
I’ll be here for life!
She tells me
through her bright
blue eyes
through her strait
young teeth
I don’t hesitate for
a second
I don’t skip a beat
What’s your lucky number?
I ask her
So we can get you
a box that you like.
We wrangle the woman a
mail square to last a lifetime,
should mail last that long
I swallow the knowledge
of divorce
and betrayl
all stories
my boxes tell
We talk for
over one hour
about the land
our man
our jobs
and plans
the girl’s got
a grand plan
though not
yet a roof
I mean she’s
got a place
it’s dilapidated
and out in
the rain
but I can see
given her stance
that failure doesn’t
stand a chance
like me she’s
banking on
her man
her vision
and most of
all her strength
I withhold from
shouting friend!
Long lost
counter-part!
I withhold from asking
What is your sign?
I’m betting it must be
fire like mine
I simply nod my head
and shake her hand
and wonder if there’s
more in store
for her
for me
for us
for our men
for our stories
for our boxes
for our lives
A young woman
comes in for keys
so full of dreams
like me
I swallow the knowledge
of divorce
and betrayl
all stories
my boxes tell
I keep the faith
and I keep it well
for it is my very own story
that I’m trying to sell

The Load

We all have our love woes
they come in their own unique
shapes and sizes
Often lopsided
Old married couples
have big love woes that
make for strong foundations
Things to fall back on like
joint accounts and children
Things that makes people say
“Oh what the hell” and stay
Young couples have little
love woes they pick at
til they bleed
and when they dry
they pick at them again
I’ll let you guess which
love woe I have
I’m walking with my
love woes today &
who put Valentine’s Day
in winter?
We bundle up against
the wind, our faces
sadder than ever &
everyone I see,
including me
walks alone

This is The End

I started running out of things to write. I’ve told you about all the wild things, my wildcard parents, my over-bearing, artistic grandmother, my messy scramble for love, our dirty homes and apartments, all the mistakes we ALL made, and will continue to make…I told you and then I came to the end. I started running out of things to write.

Spring came–and with its newness and promise, I was able to recognize the closing of the first part of my life; my first twenty-eight years. Nothing spectacular happened, nothing dramatic, but it was a slow ease into my twenty-eight spring. And that stillness was something different, something new, there’s maybe even something dramatic about the way the waters calmed and stilled and pooled after years of gushing and cascading.

All the parts have closed in on themselves. The wild things have closed their wings. I think, finally, I am done. I am done telling this story. I was wondering when it was going to end, and how. People always ask me “Is your book finished yet? How do you even end a memoir, cause, like your life is still happening.” Exactly I always say, How do you?

At this stage of my manuscript it looks like this: I should maybe not even call it a manuscript but a project. Projects get messy, this is messy. This is not 303 typed crisp white pages binded and clipped with a title page and dedications. I do not know the title yet and I have a ton of typing to do!!! See, I am a writer, not a typer. I am a writer, not an editor! My project looks like this: something like twenty-four notebooks complied over the past six years filled with long, drawn out and angry dialogue during which I am both teaching myself to write and scribbling all the letters I never did, but apparently really wanted to write to my mother, lovers, and other people too. Oh I let them have it. I didn’t only say nice things about my father either. Didn’t only say nice things about anyone I wrote about except maybe Charles.

So its Spring now and I’m twenty-eight (and a half) and I’m standing out in my boyfriends lawn and he’s just mowed the grass, the air is perfect, the trees are like magic, and I’m not even high on anything. I look at the sky and it’s perfect too. There’s a wiry black dog running around at my feet. My feet are bare, I’m wearing nothing but a long white cotton halterdress with orange blooms, my hair is down and long now, my body is weightless as I realize that the moment is perfect, just me, in the woods, no book even, no coffee, no shoes, a man off in the distance, the promise of sex and comfort, my bareface, my dreams, the lightness I feel in. this. moment.

I notice something over my shoulder. I slowly turn and look, I see The End. I see the chaos that was my past, my history, tromping off like a brigade heading to who knows where, not any longer attached to me, but parting from me. I bid goodbye. I holler and smile. I prepare to let go.

Fiber

I am everywhere
I am sitting on your head
I am raining on your home
I don’t even try
I shower but I
smell
I keep mum but I
shout
I chipper ‘good morning’at your placemate
he mumbles inaudibly in return
I play my music
and I play it loud
the birds seem to
sing to me
a hummingbird stares
treading the air
a breath of hope
like a dragonfly
or a new moon
I sit on the porch and write
I am everywhere
but I wouldn’t dare
my hair clogs your drain
my saliva is yours
your coffee
is my coffee
I fear
I beg
behind my mask
I am an open slice in my flesh
I am addicted to love
and unsure of its meaning
I am attached to you
lecherous and brave
I sink into the corners
come in from under the door
give myself too much power
take myself too high
stare in the mirror
too much or not enough
think too much
think all over your house
spill my selfy-ness
on the counters and floors
Am I cleaning anything up
when I scrub?
Or am I pounding myself
into the fibers that were
just you

Esther

Did I dream her up?
I met her in the vegetable garden. It was sometime near my fifth birthday. I was fingering the dense pumpkin stocks and their broad leaves like wall insulation to the touch–misleadingly soft and cozy. Like a five year old herself.
She appeared there beyond the ripe orange globes.
She stared at me,  reached out to touch the vines.
She was my age. Her eyes spoke to me but her childmouth never moved. I admired her wetsand-colored curls as she told me that we were Identical. That he touched her too. That he came for her when he was done with me, that he came for me when he was done with her. She told me her name was Esther. Before I could respond, he pulled up in his Chevrolet. I crouched down in the path in my Autumn dress. I peeked my eyes above the garden greens as he pointed to the passenger door instructing her to get in. My eyes got big and wet, her dress was caught in the door, they drove down the dirt lane toward Hunter Creek and I shook but it wasn’t cold outside.

Cabin Door

When the cabin door was pulled shut at night I could let out my big breath. I always felt ill at ease when my Dad’s buddies were around and they were always around. Didn’t work. None of ‘em. I wished they would go home to their trailers down the road. And they would for a minute and they would come back and they would invite me and I would say no, talking quietly back to their hot smelly beer breath.

In the day I would go hide by the river and pretend all those things little girls pretend. That they are princesses, mermaids, that they are safe. But when the sun went down Dad said I had to be home at the cabin.

The door of the cabin didn’t lock, exactly. In fact the door handle was a rope with a big fat knot. We had one of those little tiny silver hook locks on the inside of the door and nobody could break that unless they were really, really trying too. No one was out to get us, by any means, but there were a lot of men with wild eyes up there you see. Outlaws. I felt better and safer when the cabin door was shut and my Dad’s friends were locked out for the night.

I wished I had a sister or a brother, big ones, or a mom.

Imposter Blond

Imposter blond
So good and pure
You took me and
you had me
you bored me
before long
I let myself get
snowed in
white outside
black inside
my cave
You tasted like
water
Imposter blond
Tasteless
I spit you out and
walked along
Could my gut
be so wrong
Imposter blond?

Love is I Don’t Know

                  There is justice in love. There is you respect me, I respect you. There are open waves of communication and light, airy energy. Oh I thought it was so many things before but no, no love is none of those things…but love tries to be.

Love is my type. Love is talking about him over and over to my girlfriends but claiming still he is not worthy. Love is when I fall on my face and need him to pick me up. Love is that guy in the corner dusting croissant crumbs from his shirt. But a wedding ring shines on his hand so love is him, but not for me.

Love is us dancing.

Love is us dancing when no one else is dancing. Love is you spinning me and me dipping you. Love is me being made a fool. Love is you with your eyes on me all night.

Love is you having more self-control than I do and me trying to siphon it through your mouth.

Love is us both having adorable cats, yours fuzzy, mine fat, and me day-dreaming of us all living together.

Love is the many many months I’ve put into this relationship, whether I wanted to or not.

Love is us having the same (excellent) taste in music.

Love is me kicking and screaming.

Love is you playing guitar.

Love is me thinking I’m better than you only you realize you are a much better man than I am.

Love is writing so hard about you I run out of paper.

Love is knowing I could write all night long about love.

Which I know nothing about.

 Love is death.

 Love is birth.

 Love escapes.

  Love is  trapped

  just outside my door.

SPARK Project

IMG_9304

 

 

I wrote the following story during a collaboration project (SPARK) with Jane Souza Hulstrunk who provided me with this photograph taken near her home in Vermont. It inspired a whopping 1,300 words, this is my “response” to the above photograph.

The Three Musketeers

I want to write about my neighbors. My neighbors down the lane. The ones that live behind the boxwood hedge on that property with the purple house, the green house, and the yellow house. They live in the smallest house, the purple one. The other houses are for pet birds, antiques, and a blond mannequin named Suzanne. Oh, and they have one large space dedicated solely to dancing, which is larger than their living space. Its walls are covered with hand-painted murals–murals of Welsh goddesses, tropical scenery, and deceased K-9′s.

Known as the Three Musketeers, my kooky (and I say that with love) neighbors consist of two sisters and one boyfriend. The three of them share a modest single room living space as well as the same bottle of auburn hair dye. At some point, their hair will fade to a rusty autumn orange and then simultaneously, they will all be rocking the deep auburn color again. The boyfriend has long hair, of course.

I want to write about Saturdays.

On Saturdays, I give the Three Musketeers a ride into town. At least I did for all of summer and fall. I haven’t seen them since the snow hit. Our other neighbor, Ember, told me “Oh, the Three Musketeers don’t go out in Winter.”

I want to write about one Saturday in warm, early September.

I was driving the Three Musketeers to town on route to work. They wanted to be dropped off at a friend’s house downtown–we were deep in conversation (they are all excellent conversationalists) about alternative education, raw food dieting, and reincarnation. No one had told me exactly where I was supposed to be driving, I just knew to go “downtown”. Well, I drove several blocks before interrupting Leeza, the sister-Musketeer without the boyfriend (I think, though someone mentioned that the three have an “odd” relationship), I said to her, “I’m sorry I don’t really know where I’m supposed to go…” and I made a slow left turn onto 12th Street, turning off of the busy four-lane street I was on, onto a side street. I want to write about how I saw a man standing on the sidewalk on the corner in front of a pale yellow and white house and the Three Musketeers all hollered “This is it! That is our friend!” just as I intuitively slowed to a stop in front of our destination.

I want to write about mushrooms and rock and roll.

I want to write about chanterelles, morels, hedgehogs, yellow feet, shaggy manes. I want to write about The Doors.

In the year 2000, my father quit his job as a road-construction worker and opted for seasonal work: mushrooming in the fall, Harry & David of Medford, Oregon in the winter and landscaping in the summer…if lucky. Without a doubt, my father enjoyed mushrooming the most. He studied Mushrooms Demystified, the bible of mycology, took an identification workshop at the local community college, and began tagging along with avid mushroomers every chance he got, tromping through the wet and wild Forest Service and BLM lands of Washington, Oregon, and California. And sometimes, scouring peoples’ backyards. My father hated crabbing, a popular local trade, “too sad” he’d say, shaking his head. He chopped his fingers off at twenty working in a saw mill. Though he never said why, he doesn’t prefer to do that work anymore. But mushrooming, mushrooming was something my father could get behind. He became obsessed, often picking alone but sometimes making hundreds and hundreds of dollars a season, maybe even a thousand, which in my father’s world is considered lucrative.

I want to write about all the times I tromped along with him. In the fall of 2009 and 2010, I was working just up the highway from him at the Oregon Caves National Monument. I was spending a lot of the time crawling around the “back” parts of the cave: the places with no paved trail, no light bulbs, and no head space. Crawling up the mountain sides, looking underneath the manzanita shrubs and alder trees reminded me of caving, and I told him that.

I want to write about mushrooming with the Three Musketeers. I want to write about Linn wearing her Mary Janes and me teasing her for it. I was wearing gators over my jeans and hiking boots. I want to write about Linn some more. Linn, the sister-Musketeer with the boyfriend (perhaps the most loving couple I have ever met) religiously wears dresses. If she wears pants they are tights or leggings, and always with a dress. When we went mushrooming she wore a flowery summer dress with her Mary Janes and nylons. She looked like me going to church when I was nine. It was fifty degrees out. It had just rained and the land was soaked like a sponge.

I want to write about the long-haired boyfriend, Thea, like Theo with an ‘a’. When I arrived, Thea was busy wrestling with a boom box the size of a pit-bull. He had it hoisted over his shoulder and was covering it with a poncho” ‘case it should rain”. It was already sprinkling, but there would be tree cover where we were headed.

“Love hikin’ with a stereo,” Thea said to me with a nod.

“Oh, I’ve never done that,” I replied.

“Oh yeah, keeps the cats away.” he said, alluding to the mountain lions.

Thea wasn’t bringing a bucket. Said he wasn’t any good at spotting mushrooms, “my eyes”, he explained, one eye pointing toward outward and one eye aiming somewhere around my third eye or hairline.

I want to write about how our property borders BLM land and our landlord posting “No Hunting” signs all over so that when we hike we can be sure we’re safe. I want to write about the single-trek dirt trail and crawling over the wire fence and Linn’s summer dress getting snagged on it.

I want to write about Leeza spotting the first chanterelle, of course, and us seeing all sorts of different fungi while listening to Riders on the Storm and Plastic Fantastic Lover and Mr. Tambourine Man. I want to write about the long silver radio antenna snapping off its base and Thea holding the radio together for two full hours, giving up on the hunting and focusing only on providing us with all the groovy tunes, which is not to say he didn’t bitch about the broken antenna the whole time.

I want to write about the pound and a half of orange chanterelles I plucked with my pocket knife and placed carefully into my white plastic bucket, the bucket my father gave me. I want to write about how I keep mushrooms cleaner than anyone I know and when it comes time to cook, the specimens are already free of fir needles, mud, and lichen. I want to write about the meal I prepared for myself after the hike, using store-bought tomatoes from some far-off, sunny place. I want to write about the thyme, the sea salt, and the rosemary. I want to write about the chanterelles. I want to write about eating alone. I want to write about writing. I want to write about it all. Radio. Rain. Lovers and fall. I want to write.