It’s Not About That

We take a hard swim in the river before meeting my family up on the hill for pork roast and blackberry cobbler. I try to make myself presentable with jeans and boots but my hair is so wild and windblown it makes me look like a clown with my pink lipstick on. That’s how I feel anyway. I want to be pretty for them all. For my boyfriend, and for my Grandpa John who we just found out has cancer. I want to be there early but it’s seven already by the time we finally arrive.

They’ve just finished eating and have to reheat the beans and meat. My new boyfriend is quieter than I would like. It’s clear to my family that no one is proposing anytime soon–as usual. Just a boyfriend? Is that all? I mumble-talk to my family wishing I were prettier like my girl cousin, and peppy-er too. In the morning I spend a full hour wrestling with my hair and smoothing my clothes hoping for the picture-perfect day with my boyfriend–the kind of day I’ve always imagined. We go for coffee and the barrista is so shining and beautiful she makes me sad when she smiles. But I smile back and I thank her SO MUCH and she coo’s at our black dog Honey. She’s as pretty as I want to be.

I beg myself STOP STOP STOP, it’s not about that. Nobody cares about this as much as you do. We pull out of the drive and the truck hits a bump spilling my milky caramel coffee onto the jeans and dress I had so carefully selected this morning.

I vow to give up on my face and my dress. I should be thinking about my grandfather with the cancer and the fact that just this morning my boyfriend said I Was Beautiful. I don’t feel fully better until I write this out in the passenger seat of the pickup, coffee between my thighs, sticky fingers, imperfect but perfectly feminine and passionate and alive.

5 thoughts on “It’s Not About That

  1. Terah, so sorry to hear about your grandfather. We can keep our thoughts positive as the treatments have advanced much in the decades past. Anything that can be done to keep his spirits up does have a positive effect on the outcome.
    I don’t know if you’ve been quiet for awhile or it is my WP or my computer but I haven’t seen your posts in my inbox for some time and you have been missed.
    I seriously believe you need either a new mirror or perhaps glasses as you are BEAUTIFUL inside and out! Léa

    1. LeaMuse! I haven’t been posting as much as I should 😦 But watch me get back in the game!

      I should maybe have mentioned in the post but…the cancer is as least serious and cancer can be! Not that this has been any fun for my grandpa or the family but…he’s been strong and should be done with treatment at this point. All is well I think 🙂

      1. Terah, I’m sending good thoughts your way for you and your grandfather. Many cancer’s are very treatable now so I prefer to think positive and he will be on the road to recovery soon. 🙂 It is always good to have your posts. I shall look forward to your triumphant return! 🙂

    1. Well thank you! As always, this is just one side of the story. I don’t think I’m so bad looking…just when I get in certain moods. A bad mood makes a person look sadder and worse I think.

      Oh, and my grandfather is going to be a-ok! The cancer was caught early on and did not impact his vital organs. It’s a skin/lymphnode thing. Already he has had 3 treatments of chemo and they think that should take care of it.

      Thank you for reading Peter!! Thank you so much!

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