No Title

For how long
can we
trapeze this love?
Before falling
     f
       a
            l l
               i
                   n
                           g
with I love you’s
and titles.
We run from
those words,
playing hide
and go seek
For surely
those words
lead to
   I don’t love you
             any
                 more.

For how long
can we babystep
this desire?
Knowing All-grown Up
desire is
dumb.

For how long
can you go
without
calling me Yours?
For how long
can I?

Imposter Blond

Imposter blond
So good and pure
You took me and
you had me
you bored me
before long
I let myself get
snowed in
white outside
black inside
my cave
You tasted like
water
Imposter blond
Tasteless
I spit you out and
walked along
Could my gut
be so wrong
Imposter blond?

Powerarmbands

Fantasy, much as I worship it,
pains me
at the end of the day
reality escapes me
Love dances around me
I cast my net far and wide
and to the side
confusing as the world turns,
my heart never stops for directions
When my flaws are on display I
feel short-changed and weak
Outcome my powerarmbands like
Wonder Woman
Do you know Wonder Woman
begged to be dominated?
She did

Love is I Don’t Know

                  There is justice in love. There is you respect me, I respect you. There are open waves of communication and light, airy energy. Oh I thought it was so many things before but no, no love is none of those things…but love tries to be.

Love is my type. Love is talking about him over and over to my girlfriends but claiming still he is not worthy. Love is when I fall on my face and need him to pick me up. Love is that guy in the corner dusting croissant crumbs from his shirt. But a wedding ring shines on his hand so love is him, but not for me.

Love is us dancing.

Love is us dancing when no one else is dancing. Love is you spinning me and me dipping you. Love is me being made a fool. Love is you with your eyes on me all night.

Love is you having more self-control than I do and me trying to siphon it through your mouth.

Love is us both having adorable cats, yours fuzzy, mine fat, and me day-dreaming of us all living together.

Love is the many many months I’ve put into this relationship, whether I wanted to or not.

Love is us having the same (excellent) taste in music.

Love is me kicking and screaming.

Love is you playing guitar.

Love is me thinking I’m better than you only you realize you are a much better man than I am.

Love is writing so hard about you I run out of paper.

Love is knowing I could write all night long about love.

Which I know nothing about.

 Love is death.

 Love is birth.

 Love escapes.

  Love is  trapped

  just outside my door.

SPARK Project

IMG_9304

 

 

I wrote the following story during a collaboration project (SPARK) with Jane Souza Hulstrunk who provided me with this photograph taken near her home in Vermont. It inspired a whopping 1,300 words, this is my “response” to the above photograph.

The Three Musketeers

I want to write about my neighbors. My neighbors down the lane. The ones that live behind the boxwood hedge on that property with the purple house, the green house, and the yellow house. They live in the smallest house, the purple one. The other houses are for pet birds, antiques, and a blond mannequin named Suzanne. Oh, and they have one large space dedicated solely to dancing, which is larger than their living space. Its walls are covered with hand-painted murals–murals of Welsh goddesses, tropical scenery, and deceased K-9′s.

Known as the Three Musketeers, my kooky (and I say that with love) neighbors consist of two sisters and one boyfriend. The three of them share a modest single room living space as well as the same bottle of auburn hair dye. At some point, their hair will fade to a rusty autumn orange and then simultaneously, they will all be rocking the deep auburn color again. The boyfriend has long hair, of course.

I want to write about Saturdays.

On Saturdays, I give the Three Musketeers a ride into town. At least I did for all of summer and fall. I haven’t seen them since the snow hit. Our other neighbor, Ember, told me “Oh, the Three Musketeers don’t go out in Winter.”

I want to write about one Saturday in warm, early September.

I was driving the Three Musketeers to town on route to work. They wanted to be dropped off at a friend’s house downtown–we were deep in conversation (they are all excellent conversationalists) about alternative education, raw food dieting, and reincarnation. No one had told me exactly where I was supposed to be driving, I just knew to go “downtown”. Well, I drove several blocks before interrupting Leeza, the sister-Musketeer without the boyfriend (I think, though someone mentioned that the three have an “odd” relationship), I said to her, “I’m sorry I don’t really know where I’m supposed to go…” and I made a slow left turn onto 12th Street, turning off of the busy four-lane street I was on, onto a side street. I want to write about how I saw a man standing on the sidewalk on the corner in front of a pale yellow and white house and the Three Musketeers all hollered “This is it! That is our friend!” just as I intuitively slowed to a stop in front of our destination.

I want to write about mushrooms and rock and roll.

I want to write about chanterelles, morels, hedgehogs, yellow feet, shaggy manes. I want to write about The Doors.

In the year 2000, my father quit his job as a road-construction worker and opted for seasonal work: mushrooming in the fall, Harry & David of Medford, Oregon in the winter and landscaping in the summer…if lucky. Without a doubt, my father enjoyed mushrooming the most. He studied Mushrooms Demystified, the bible of mycology, took an identification workshop at the local community college, and began tagging along with avid mushroomers every chance he got, tromping through the wet and wild Forest Service and BLM lands of Washington, Oregon, and California. And sometimes, scouring peoples’ backyards. My father hated crabbing, a popular local trade, “too sad” he’d say, shaking his head. He chopped his fingers off at twenty working in a saw mill. Though he never said why, he doesn’t prefer to do that work anymore. But mushrooming, mushrooming was something my father could get behind. He became obsessed, often picking alone but sometimes making hundreds and hundreds of dollars a season, maybe even a thousand, which in my father’s world is considered lucrative.

I want to write about all the times I tromped along with him. In the fall of 2009 and 2010, I was working just up the highway from him at the Oregon Caves National Monument. I was spending a lot of the time crawling around the “back” parts of the cave: the places with no paved trail, no light bulbs, and no head space. Crawling up the mountain sides, looking underneath the manzanita shrubs and alder trees reminded me of caving, and I told him that.

I want to write about mushrooming with the Three Musketeers. I want to write about Linn wearing her Mary Janes and me teasing her for it. I was wearing gators over my jeans and hiking boots. I want to write about Linn some more. Linn, the sister-Musketeer with the boyfriend (perhaps the most loving couple I have ever met) religiously wears dresses. If she wears pants they are tights or leggings, and always with a dress. When we went mushrooming she wore a flowery summer dress with her Mary Janes and nylons. She looked like me going to church when I was nine. It was fifty degrees out. It had just rained and the land was soaked like a sponge.

I want to write about the long-haired boyfriend, Thea, like Theo with an ‘a’. When I arrived, Thea was busy wrestling with a boom box the size of a pit-bull. He had it hoisted over his shoulder and was covering it with a poncho” ‘case it should rain”. It was already sprinkling, but there would be tree cover where we were headed.

“Love hikin’ with a stereo,” Thea said to me with a nod.

“Oh, I’ve never done that,” I replied.

“Oh yeah, keeps the cats away.” he said, alluding to the mountain lions.

Thea wasn’t bringing a bucket. Said he wasn’t any good at spotting mushrooms, “my eyes”, he explained, one eye pointing toward outward and one eye aiming somewhere around my third eye or hairline.

I want to write about how our property borders BLM land and our landlord posting “No Hunting” signs all over so that when we hike we can be sure we’re safe. I want to write about the single-trek dirt trail and crawling over the wire fence and Linn’s summer dress getting snagged on it.

I want to write about Leeza spotting the first chanterelle, of course, and us seeing all sorts of different fungi while listening to Riders on the Storm and Plastic Fantastic Lover and Mr. Tambourine Man. I want to write about the long silver radio antenna snapping off its base and Thea holding the radio together for two full hours, giving up on the hunting and focusing only on providing us with all the groovy tunes, which is not to say he didn’t bitch about the broken antenna the whole time.

I want to write about the pound and a half of orange chanterelles I plucked with my pocket knife and placed carefully into my white plastic bucket, the bucket my father gave me. I want to write about how I keep mushrooms cleaner than anyone I know and when it comes time to cook, the specimens are already free of fir needles, mud, and lichen. I want to write about the meal I prepared for myself after the hike, using store-bought tomatoes from some far-off, sunny place. I want to write about the thyme, the sea salt, and the rosemary. I want to write about the chanterelles. I want to write about eating alone. I want to write about writing. I want to write about it all. Radio. Rain. Lovers and fall. I want to write.

Cave Dweller

I tiptoe back
into my cave
here I know
no love
and my dreams
are slaves
the walls they’re
painted with
a man and child
that have no faces
I am unaware
of the setting
and rising of
the sun
because these
walls prevent me
from seeing changes
notes of promise
are left at
my doorstep
letters dated
weeks before
by men
who’ve waited,
but wandered,
ignored
I must emerge
for work and play
but the delights
of the cave
forever tempt
me to stay
where I can
dream in
the dark,
write by
match
and
flame.

Dig

I think I’m at my low
I’ve been in the trenches
so often, so long it’s hard to know
I get down so deep
I dig I dig
until I can’t see the
sunshine no more
the only birds I see
are bats
the only signs of life–
my hallucinations,
my dreams,
my cat
I like it down here
it’s cozy, warm
but blinding
I refuse to stand
up, look around
and face what is beside me–
a life
a life I’ve designed
for one
I’ve got all that
I’ve asked for
as if my future’s
just begun
but my mind it
likes to default
to old habits
fears
and men
I’d carry this life around if
I thought I could depend on it
Mornings are good
my world anew if only
for a moment or two
but nighttime brings
a heavy load unable
to be lifted
no friend to call
no mother’s teet
no man strong
enough to lift it

My Next Big Thing

71ff1ac339195a49da6e6052ed1812f9I always need a Big Thing in my life.  For the past year, my Big Thing has been a bi-monthly writer’s group in Portland. But now that I need new tires, new disc brakes, and more money and time in general, I’m finding that I can’t pull off going to Portland like I used to (it’s a three-hour drive). All the signals are pointing toward something new, and at this point, I’m looking for anything that will help me accomplish completing my manuscript. So I’ve decided to stay local and sign up for a class at Lane Community College. The class is “Crafting the Novel” and starts on October 3rd. Back to school for me! Fucking, yay. I know, I just know that this is the push I need to wrap things up and begin the editing (and publishing) process.
Here is the description of the class:

This class is designed to assist students not only in writing their novel but to get it published. Whether you have a completed draft, are in the idea stage or something in between, this class will help you develop the discipline, dedication and the skills you need to get that novel written and published. Week by week we’ll workshop our works-in-progress in a supportive and positive setting. Some of the areas we’ll cover include: developing character, plot, dialogue, organization, revision and finally how to publish and market a completed novel.

Major plus: the class is held at the brand-new downtown location, right next to the library and closer to home than the main campus. I am concerned that the class might not be the absolute best fit since novels are fiction-based, but I’m hoping the teacher is flexible (I know that I can be) and will help me adapt my memoir to the structure of the class, or whatever. Because if I’ve learned anything it’s that a memoir needs a plot, climax, and rich characters too. Wish me tons of luck! I really think this is the last leg, the final chapter of my memoir-writing–which all began a long five years ago!

To New Beginnings–and Chasing Dreams

I feel it my duty to portrait this new beginning in my life. For me, new beginnings tend to be commonplace. Just today, while driving the 30-minutes it now takes to get home from work, I resonated with the song Run, Baby, Run by Sheryl Crow. I often press the reset button on my life–choosing new jobs, towns, and boyfriends. As well as new hobbies and even friends. My constants are family, close, dear friends, and the west coast. In the past year I have embraced single hood, a new position at work, a pet freshwater snail, personal refection and self-help (that’s when the therapist didn’t work out), writing connections and discipline (huge, and still need a lot of work in this area), as well as a new living space, on a lake, in the woods. So, actually I don’t think of it so much as running away, but rather chasing a dream. Sometimes Always, when you are chasing a dream, something gets sacrificed along the way. Leaving my boyfriend was a sacrifice. But I have more self work to do. There wasn’t room for him. Sometimes, I think, to find sustainable happiness, or Joy if you will, a person must isolate, and face their mind, and quiet the many distractions of the world.

I fully understand that in one year or four months or, helk, maybe even four weeks I may come to realize that true joy is found in community. That my true path to bliss might have been better accomplished by letting love in. By allowing my, very loving, boyfriend to dote on me and secure me into his loving, healthy family. But my intuition tells me not. My intuition tells me I hold the key.

Me standing at Moonglade Lake, a stone's throw from my new rental in the country
Me standing by Moonglade Lake, a stone’s throw (literally) from my new rental in the country

I told my most cherished co-worker one day, I said, “Mark my words, in six-months I’ll be living out in the country.” I was fed up. I needed a change. I’ve always regarded Nature as my mother. Living in town was just not working. Six weeks later I am sitting by Lake Moonglade, pointing out the reflection of the north star on the water to my new neighbor (and I suspect, friend) Ember, who lives down the creek and through the trees, just barely out of view in her quaint but charming, fifth-wheel trailer. As we sit on boulders by the lake at dusk we watch the north star in all her glory bathing in the sunset. We talk about the joys of solitude, the pains of relationships, we talk about addiction and revelation, politics, children, gardening, simple living, and nature, and for twenty minutes the north star remains lonesome in the sky, having arrived early to work, so-to-speak, like I like to do, to simply enjoy fifteen more minutes of solitude and clarity before the colorful energy of other people crash into me like a wave. And to ring in a new beginning with special blessings, perhaps.

Ember describes to me a trail she built down the gravel lane and up a brook, toward the south hills. She says she loves exploring, which I already knew as I’ve seen her walking the many paths that traverse our land, a rehabilitated logging site known as Star Camp. When she says she’s afraid of mountain lion, I suggest the old “mask trick”, something I’ve never actually tried (maybe I will here) where you wear a Halloween mask backwards to prevent a mountain lion from stalking you. Ember’s face lights up at the suggestion. I realize I’ve met a woman perhaps as passionate, curious, and strange as I am. We sit in silence for a few moments, staring out at Lake Moonglade. Three bats dance over the surface of the water, eating mosquito. A couple of birds (species I do not know yet) finish their supper (of bugs as well) and head back to their tree nests for the night. The multiple species of dragonfly have tuckered out for the night, but in the day they are abundant, showering the land with luck. Behind me a chipmunk scurries across the path, Ember points to it, then upon closer inspection corrects herself–it’s a field mouse, not a chipmunk. A frog hops into the lake. A band of bull frogs make deep, bass-like sounds from the edges of the lake. Discovering that neither of us like snakes, Ember shows me the rocky places where the big ones like to hang out in the day. Thank you, I tell her sincerely.

As the sun all but vanishes and the ombre sky lights up with stars, my new neighbor and I both daydream of picnics together in the grass, or tromping halfway to Walton on the many trails that intersect the hills and logging roads, machete’s in hand–all the while being secretly thankful that there’s enough room on this land for the both of us.

When? Why? How?

When do I get it?
Tomorrow?
Next week?
Next decade?
When does it pay off
for me?
Like it did for
him, for her
When do I get the
night-lighted hallway,
socks on the kitchen floor,
invitations for him and her
Mr. and Mrs.
Sunday dinners and
being tucked into bed and
tucking in
Haven’t I given and
asked to be gotten?
When did I slip through
the cracks?
Was it when I ran?
Swam, drove away,
slamming doors?
Was it when I didn’t say I do?
Was it when I said I don’t?
I don’t remember you asking