Good Little Woman


One Red Elephant by Helen Lewis

This is a piece of photography art created by Helen Lewis of Suffolk, UK. Inspired by this photograph, I wrote the following story Good Little Woman (below).

For more information about the SPARK Project check out getsparked.org where you can also look at plenty of other art duos. Get involved!

Good Little Woman by Terah Van Dusen

The armpit of Humboldt County. That’s what I’d call that place. And I mean that in the best of ways. See armpits aren’t popular. And I don’t like popular. Plus armpits are warm, one way or another. Warm when they’re not wet. Just like Orick, California.

Orick wasn’t a one stoplight town. This was a no stoplight town, bordered on one side by lagoon and on the other side by a tall forest of redwood and fir. The small town was, oh a forty minute drive from Arcata to the south and Crescent City to the north with a whole lot of wonderful nothingness in between.

I lived in Orick for one summer and half a school year but the memories linger, and viscerally. I shared a room with my younger brother Jesse in a small yellow house my mom and step dad rented behind a burl shop. My mother was making jewelry at the time—beaded rainbow-colored earrings that hung long. Earrings for gypsies.

In the summer, my mother sunbathed outside with a neighbor lady. The neighbor lady had a big, scary dog she kept behind a short, brown fence. She had two daughters my age whom I played with regularly. We played Saved By The Bell and they wouldn’t let me be Kelly Kapowski even though they were both blond and I had long brown hair just like Kelly Kapowski.

At school, I learned all about saying Bloody Mary into the mirror three times. Which was scary even if “nothing happened” because the bathrooms were always dark and gloomy because that’s how Orick was because that’s how Humboldt County was—shrouded in fog and with a mean tree cover to boot.

It’s not as if nothing ever happened in Orick. But mainly, nothing ever happened in Orick.

However one time, the circus came to town.

I had the best teachers in the world and though I don’t recall their names, I’ll tell you about them: That’s right, there were two. They were husband and wife and they held equal power. When they weren’t teaching they were archeologists. I suddenly wanted to be an archeologist too.

I didn’t even care that they usually had me on “orange” status (i.e. yellow=good, orange=almost pink, pink=bad). That was the coding we had on a big board in the back of the classroom—it’s how they kept track of us kids. Three pink slips meant a trip to the principal’s office. I didn’t have a chance to make it that far, I moved back to Rock Creek after the insides of my ears healed but that’s a story for another time.

My two teachers taught us kids about dinosaurs and whales and they fed us mussels they’d collected themselves at the nearby shore. They taught us paper mache, let us paint using real paint brushes (not just the foam on stick bullshit) and always informed us of local current events, like the circus. We were sitting in class when the wife-teacher showed us a big colorful flyer for the circus, they said it was happening on Saturday at our school, of all places.

To my surprise, a brown-haired boy who sat behind me nudged me and handed me a small square of notebook paper. I took it in my hand and looked at him but he nodded toward a bright blond boy who sat behind him. The blond boy shyly waved at me. I turned bright red, shoved the note in my coat pocket and turned my attention back to the wife-teacher because I was already on orange slip for the day and I didn’t want to get a pink slip.

Back at home I isolated myself in mine and my brother’s bedroom. Jesse was outside playing. I sat on a bed near the window. I looked at the folded square of notebook paper. I eyed the note. What would it say? 

I could tell by its corners that it had been folded once and never opened. I looked at the bedroom door, wishing I could seal it shut with only my mind, and just for the moment. It would be so embarrassing if my mother caught me with a love note (at least that’s what I hoped it was). I slowly peeled the note open. It read:

Hi,

I like you. Let’s go to the circus together on Saturday.
We can eat popcorn. It will be fun.

On Saturday, I managed to get my mother to take my brother and I to the circus without telling her that I didn’t really want to go to see the elephants, just a boy. We walked to the from our house—my twenty-seven-year-old mother in her signature frayed, worn jeans with holes and a long-sleeve plaid man’s shirt. Her girlish fingernails and cigarettes fresh from the pack. Me with my long hair and long dress with flowers, pockets and lace.

We got to the circus before dark. We waited five minutes (which was a long time in our town) in line to ride the elephant. I rode the elephant as the sun went down behind the hills to the south. Where the redwoods are. I sat straight up on that elephant and my girl hips moved with it as it stepped. Up on that elephant I didn’t give a care about the blond boy who was supposed to meet me. I didn’t care about the blond girls next door who were lucky to have sisters not just brothers. I didn’t care about my ear problems or my mom and dad problems. I didn’t care that I would grow out of my favorite dress.

Sadly, that elephant ride lasted only a moment. But in that moment I felt untouchable.

Later, in the audience, I’m just like everyone else. I’m sitting on cold and flat and watching the untouchable trapeze artists and the little boy who can blow fire. I’m waiting for the next big thing. I patiently watch the circus show with my nine-year-old hands clasped in my lap—every so often scanning the crowd for my blond date. All of town was there, the place was packed.

Then I saw him. His patch of blond hair lit up under the dark canopy of circus tent. The boy was dressed in a black tuxedo, white collared shirt, black bow tie, and shiny black shoes. My first thought was that I didn’t think I could find the courage to approach him, let alone allow him to buy me popcorn. My second thought was: who’s that?

Next to the blond boy who’d specifically asked me to be his date to the circus was a pretty little girl in a light blue dress. They were standing together near the popcorn. The fury rose inside me like a ring of fire. Why would he invite two girls? I reread his note in my head: Let’s go the circus together. We can eat popcorn. It will be fun.

It will be fun? This wasn’t fun!

Like a good little woman, I kept my head low until the circus show was over then I led my mother and brother home on the darkest possible route as to not be seen by the blond boy. I didn’t talk to the boy at school on Monday, I never mentioned the note, and he never apologized either. It took years before I realized that the little girl had been with was his sister.

Arms Wide Open by Helen Lewis

Arms Wide Open by Helen Lewis

This is a piece of photography art created by Helen Lewis of Suffolk, UK inspired by my poem A Fortune Teller Once Told Me (True Story).

For more information about the SPARK Project check out getsparked.org where you can also look at plenty of other art duos. Get involved!

 


A Fortune Teller Once Told Me (True Story) by Terah Van Dusen

Several years ago
I had a psychic reading
Not at one of those hole-in-the-wall places
with the flashing lights
and crystal balls

It was done in my living room

My former roommate, Sydney, had her future read frequently
Sydney had the same lady come over to our house
oh, every couple months or so
Always when nobody was home
I don’t remember how it was arranged
but the next thing you knew,
I too was signed up for a reading
Sydney promised not to tell the “medium” a thing about me
That way we could insure accuracy

The medium didn’t wear a long, flouncy dress
Or bring a satchel full of rocks and crystals,
She showed up in her Subaru car,
dressed in a North Face pullover and jeans
Said to me, this isn’t my day job

We sat facing each other in the quiet house
Nobody there except for us,
That was one of her rules
That nobody else be there

She took a few minutes to gauge me,
Had her eyes closed, seemed to be sniffing around at the air
Like she were some kind of animal.
I closed my eyes too, I was tired

Maybe its custom to start out by saying a
few nice things about the person.
Because that’s what she did at first,
mentioned a few of my qualities,
built me up a little bit.
She said she noticed that I was a writer.

She told me:
Keep writing, someday there will be people helping you.
As you can imagine, I was pleased
This lady was good

She went on to say that there was a person from
my past, a person who wished to speak to me.
From a past life, from a past life, she clarified.
The medium then, with her eyes still closed,
began speaking in a stranger, lower voice
I realized that the spirit was speaking through her:
It’s you! It’s you! I cannot believe I can finally speak to yyyooou!
The emotion that came with this voice brought tears to my eyes
Ooooohhhhh, youuuuuuuu!
Oh, oh, you are sssso lovely in this life!

The voice was truly eerie,
but my, what a compliment! Lovely?

The medium broke the contact with the spirit
She looked at me and said:
Whoever that was they sure are fond of you.
But, know that not every spirit is good.
Spirits, like humans, are both bad and good.

Let’s move on, she said

I have some advice for you, based on what I’m seeing:
First, know that a good way to gauge your happiness, is that
you are happiest when you are light on your feet.

I would imagine…

Second, you should eat less spicy food. More fresh food.

No and okay.

You are very serious, watch more funny movies and TV shows.

Now, I have given you some advice about how to better your life,
I’d like to mention just a few other things before we close
:

You are wondering if you will have
everlasting love: you are not the type.
You will not be with the same man for all of your life.

I’ll show you!

You are wondering if you will be happy when you move from Arizona.
You will be happy, you will be more
whole than you have ever been.

In the distant future I see you standing up on a hill,
inside of a prairie or meadow.
Your arms are wide open.
You are rejoicing because
you have finally reached the place
where you’ve been headed all your life.

I will keep my eyes wide-open for that place…

That was the last psychic reading I’ve had
The only psychic reading I’ve had
The woman told me all I needed to know,
and then some.
Knowing your future is not fun.
Whether its true or not.
I mean, there’s the good:
I should keep writing!
People will be helping me!
I’m going to stretch my arms out wide like a crazy
person while standing in a high-elevation prairie!
And then there’s the bad:
I should give up Thai food,
No relationship I will have will last.

Enough is enough,
I know enough now.
I will seek that meadow where
I will be whole and free
and I will try my darndest to have a long,
happy marriage someday.
Regardless of my “destiny”

I paid the psychic $25 bucks that day.
She told me a whole lot more
But its been so long that I forgot it.
I hadn’t written it down because
at the time I was sure I’d remember it all.

First World Story

Here’s the thing: I’ll let it all out, tell the world and no one will care. It will be the same as before I let it all out. No one will care. Enough. People may care enough to fix me dinner, buy me a coffee, buy the book, write a review, maybe send a letter. But no one will find me a good therapist or marry me. No one will give me a child.

But after I put it all out there…I’ll have no reason to kill myself any longer. I won’t be harboring resentment, guilt or secrets of any kind.

What a fucking idiot.

The stories will be released and I will no longer be poisoned. I can move on. Forgive as they say.

And to top it all off–my stories will be first world problems. I let that off my chest? Please. And for what?

For one more reason to put one foot in front of the other that’s for what.

I’ve always been in danger. Foolish.

I just now checked out a fifteen year old girl (probably) in a mini skirt. I’m sick and I keep telling you about it.

Foolish.

I’m letting go of the truth. Giving it to you. And moving on to make more sick memories.

Twisted. First world style.

Music Inspiration–Because When I Can’t Write, at Least I Can Listen

Feature O The Day:

Brett Dennen: Darling Do Not Fear (What You Don’t Really Know)

When I arrived in my old set of clothes
I was half a world away from my home
and I was hunted by the wolves
and I was heckled by the crows
Darlin’ do not fear what you don’t really know

Alongside my innocence I laid in bed awake
conflicted and estranged with the impetus of age
but like a phantom she crept across the floor and out the window
Darlin’ do not fear what you don’t really know

From its place on the mantel my heart was taken down
scattered in a thousand little pieces on the ground
and I below the streetlamp like an orphan with a halo
Darlin’ do not fear what you don’t really know

cuz it won’t last
worries’ll pass
all your troubles they don’t stand a chance
and sometimes it takes more than a lifetime to know
Darlin’ do not fear what you don’t really know

Your confidences fall as your faith etched in stone
neither could comfort you from the wild unknown
so bury your burning hatred like a hatchet in the snow
Darlin’ do not fear what you don’t really know

If you have a broken heart or a battered soul
find something to hold onto until they go
to help you through the hard nights
like a flask filled with hope
Darlin’ do not fear what you don’t really know

Cause it won’t last
your worries’ll pass
all your troubles they don’t stand a chance
and it always hurts the worst when it’s the ones we love the most
Darlin’ do not fear what you don’t really know

Sometimes your path is marked in the sky
Sometimes it fails to fit in between the lines
Sometimes all you can do is say no
Darlin’ do not fear what you don’t really know

I said when I arrived in my old set of clothes
I was half a world away from my home
and I was hunted by the wolves
and I was heckled by the crows
Darlin’ do not fear what you don’t really know
I said Darlin’ do not fear what you don’t really know

Listen to it

Young Dreams

My young dream was to be a performer or an athlete. I also said I wanted to be a writer. I know because I wrote all this down on a slip of paper that recently emerged while rifling through child-things at my great aunt’s house.

I also know it because I remember all the energy I used to put into performing. I wrote–short fictional stories–but not very often. I had too much movement in my body.
I’d acquired at least a little bit of skill and grace from the few years of ballet, jazz and acrobatics I took at the Dance Art Studio in Crescent City. And when I had an audience, boy-howdy I put on a show. My family called it “tumbling” but I’ve watched the home videos and what I was doing was acrobatic ballet: cart-wheel, round-off, pose, cart-wheel, round-off, pose.

I practically lived in a long-sleeve pink leotard and dreamed of owning sweats, leg warmers and new ballet shoes like the other girls. I’d carry it all in the “Twinkle Toes” ballet bag I saw on display at the Dance Art Studio. It cost thirty-five dollars. Which was even more money back in 1996.

I watched gymnastics on TV whenever I had the opportunity and thought for certain I was just a few lessons away from a double back layout and a spot on the floor at the Olympics.

Clearly I wasn’t, but once in acrobatics class when were learning back tucks (which is a back flip with no hands) my instructor was spotting me so I gave it my all. Seconds later when I was upright my teacher said “You just did it. I didn’t even touch you. You did it all on your own,” which drew the attention of the whole class, not because a back tuck hadn’t been done before, it had, but because I’d only been in acrobatics for a year or less (and just once a week)–the other girls had been going to the Dance Art Studio since infancy.

All I got from the girls was a long glance. No pat on the back.

In the upcoming months I would begin to wonder why my crotch smelt funny as we stretched and get self-conscious over my dirty socks.

I stopped going to dance, which no one in my family protested or gently encouraged me otherwise. I’ve always been able to do as I please. Just as I please.

I cut my hair and half-heartedly took up basketball, poetry and boys.

I’m kicking myself now because I was darn good. I’d nearly nailed my back hand spring with no spotter, I had a stage smile and good balance. And now I know that crotches just smell funny sometimes. Especially after excercise.

I could’ve really been something.

SPARK Update: 4 Days Remaining

My assignment is to write a story (non-fiction or fiction, I’m writing non-fiction of course) in response to Helen Lewis’ One Red Elephant photograph. Just four days remain until we submit the final works—the “response pieces” if you will. I’m happy to share that I’ve written my story but as usual have overwritten and will need to cut in order to meet the 1,500 word limit. What I still need to do: edit, refine and type. Oh, and I don’t think I have a title yet. It’s always fun to title something, no?

In a few days I will share my response piece plus the photograph that Helen Lewis created in response to A Fortune Teller Once Told Me…(True Story).

Thanks for reading!

Visionboarding & Organization

My Memoir Visionboard doubles as a place to keep organized. Notice the blank spaces, those are for writing my "scenes to-do lists" which are the scenes I need to write, and then I'll cross them out as I go. And the wheel in the middle is my "full-circle story", which reveals that I've not yet completed the beginning but have written much of the content in the middle.
My memoir Visionboard doubles as a place to keep organized. Notice the blank spaces, those are for writing my “scenes to-do lists” which are the scenes I still need to write ( I’ll cross them out as I go). And the wheel in the middle is my “full-circle story”, which shows the general idea of my memoir starting at the top and traveling counter clockwise.
My full-circle story diagram. Its a start. It could definitely be elaborated on. It helps. I think.
My full-circle story diagram. It’s a start. It could definitely be elaborated on. It helps. I think.
My main goal of 2013 (if it happens sooner, great) is to find meaning in my story. Like, one meaning, or two, but no more than three. A "theme" if you will. A "take-home message". The "moral of the story".
My main goal of 2013 (if it happens sooner, great) is to find meaning in my story. Like, one meaning, or two, but no more than three. A “theme” if you will. A “take-home message”. The “moral of the story”.
I like this little corner of the Visionboard. Often as I'm writing in my journal I'll think of an idea like "Choose Your Own Adventure" ending and I'll just write that and a light bulb to signify "idea". Well, now I have an "idea" corner. For all my ideas about my memoir. It helps. I think.
I like this little corner of my Visionboard. Often as I’m writing in my journal I’ll think of an idea like “Choose Your Own Adventure Ending” and I’ll just write that and a light bulb to signify “idea”. Well, now I have an “idea” corner–to compile a list of my ideas.
My life Visionboard. It's more intracite than the other Visionboard, and every space is filled with images I clipped out of magazines.
My life Visionboard. It’s more intricate than the other Visionboard, and every space is filled with images I clipped out of magazines.
The idea is that you instinctively clip images and words without thinking too much about it and tape or paste them together--the result reveals truths about you. Truth about me: I want to be able to work a "real job" and be a successful writer too. I want them both. Surely, I can have them both.
To make a Visionboard, instinctively clip images and words without thinking too much about it. Then tape or paste the words and pictures together–the result being truths revealed about you. Truth about me: I want to be able to work a “real job” and be a successful writer too.
I find this portion of my vision board to be very mysterious.
I find this portion of my Visionboard to be very mysterious. Especially the bottom left corner. That’s my hand writing.
This part represents where I come from and also, the future, when I am able to settle down there. This section has a lot of hidden meaning. Notice the "pursuit of happiness". I guess that's what I'm on. The pursuit of happiness.
This part represents where I come from but also the future. This section has a lot of hidden meaning. It conjures many thoughts for me. Pursuit of Happiness.

SPARK Project: A Fortune Teller Once Told Me (True Story)

Here’s my submission for SPARK. My partner Helen will respond with a photograph inspired by the piece. You may or may not remember this poem but it made an appearance on my blog many moons ago. Enjoy! I hope some folks are considering learning more about SPARK–you can participate in the project from anywhere.

 

A Fortune Teller Once Told Me (True Story)
By Terah Van Dusen

 

Several years ago
I had a psychic reading
Not at one of those hole-in-the-wall places
with the flashing lights
and crystal balls

It was done in my living room

My former roommate, Sydney, had her future read frequently
Sydney had the same lady come over to our house
oh, every couple months or so
Always when nobody was home
I don’t remember how it was arranged
but the next thing you knew,
I too was signed up for a reading
Sydney promised not to tell the “medium” a thing about me
That way we could insure accuracy

The medium didn’t wear a long, flouncy dress
Or bring a satchel full of rocks and crystals,
She showed up in her Subaru car,
dressed in a North Face pullover and jeans
Said to me, this isn’t my day job

We sat facing each other in the quiet house
Nobody there except for us,
That was one of her rules
That nobody else be there

She took a few minutes to gauge me,
Had her eyes closed, seemed to be sniffing around at the air
Like she were some kind of animal.
I closed my eyes too, I was tired

Maybe its custom to start out by saying a
few nice things about the person.
Because that’s what she did at first,
mentioned a few of my qualities,
built me up a little bit.
She said she noticed that I was a writer.

She told me:
Keep writing, someday there will be people helping you.
As you can imagine, I was pleased
This lady was good

She went on to say that there was a person from
my past, a person who wished to speak to me.
From a past life, from a past life, she clarified.
The medium then, with her eyes still closed,
began speaking in a stranger, lower voice
I realized that the spirit was speaking through her:
It’s you! It’s you! I cannot believe I can finally speak to yyyooou!
The emotion that came with this voice brought tears to my eyes
Ooooohhhhh, youuuuuuuu!
Oh, oh, you are sssso lovely in this life!

The voice was truly eerie,
but my, what a compliment! Lovely?

The medium broke the contact with the spirit
She looked at me and said:
Whoever that was they sure are fond of you.
But, know that not every spirit is good.
Spirits, like humans, are both bad and good.

Let’s move on, she said

I have some advice for you, based on what I’m seeing:
First, know that a good way to gauge your happiness, is that
you are happiest when you are light on your feet.

I would imagine…

Second, you should eat less spicy food. More fresh food.

No and okay.

You are very serious, watch more funny movies and TV shows.

Now, I have given you some advice about how to better your life,
I’d like to mention just a few other things before we close
:

You are wondering if you will have
everlasting love: you are not the type.
You will not be with the same man for all of your life.

I’ll show you!

You are wondering if you will be happy when you move from Arizona.
You will be happy, you will be more
whole than you have ever been.

In the distant future I see you standing up on a hill,
inside of a prairie or meadow.
Your arms are wide open.
You are rejoicing because
you have finally reached the place
where you’ve been headed all your life.

I will keep my eyes wide-open for that place…

That was the last psychic reading I’ve had
The only psychic reading I’ve had
The woman told me all I needed to know,
and then some.
Knowing your future is not fun.
Whether its true or not.
I mean, there’s the good:
I should keep writing!
People will be helping me!
I’m going to stretch my arms out wide like a crazy
person while standing in a high-elevation prairie!
And then there’s the bad:
I should give up Thai food,
No relationship I will have will last.

Enough is enough,
I know enough now.
I will seek that meadow where
I will be whole and free
and I will try my darndest to have a long,
happy marriage someday.
Regardless of my “destiny”

I paid the psychic $25 bucks that day.
She told me a whole lot more
But its been so long that I forgot it.
I hadn’t written it down because
at the time I was sure I’d remember it all.

SPARK Project: One Red Elephant by Helen Lewis

One Red Elephant

I am involved in something called The SPARK Project. It’s awesome.

The general idea is this: I’m assigned a partner. My partner sends me a photograph and I write a story about it. Conversely, I send my partner a story and they take a photograph inspired by it.

Other types of artists involved in the SPARK project are musicians and painters.
Here’s a description of SPARK (I copied it straight from Facebook):

SPARK is a call-and-response creativity project in which artists, writers, and musicians from around the world use each others work as inspiration.

Wish me luck–I have 10 days to write my response piece to One Red Elephant by Helen Lewis of Suffolk, England (bonus: Helen’s a writer too, and a veteran of SPARK).

What I Really Really Want Deep Down Inside Of Me

Just do normal things
Get up
Get dressed
Eat
Drink
Work
Play a little
Rest and
Do it again
And again
Stay away
From the poison
You are highly susceptible
To the poison
Of falling
Under its spell
Believe in the magic
Of yourself 
Through all of that mundane
The mundane
Is fulfilling through
Time
The mundane
Will love you back
The fast-track
Will not
The fast-track
Will make an
Old woman out of you
A quiet,
Simple life
Will give you health
And the foundation
You’ve always wanted
People will love you
If you love yourself
You’ll see
Be organized
Be adult
It’s OK
You can let go
Of that angsty teenager already
You don’t need to act out
For attention
Be a woman
Pride yourself
In your work
Save
For a rainy day
Send out Christmas cards
This year
Call your niece
Wash your face
Go to bed

Put the child to rest