Fantasy, much as I worship it,
pains me
at the end of the day
reality escapes me
Love dances around me
I cast my net far and wide
and to the side
confusing as the world turns,
my heart never stops for directions
When my flaws are on display I
feel short-changed and weak
Outcome my powerarmbands like
Wonder Woman
Do you know Wonder Woman
begged to be dominated?
She did
Tag: writing
Little Robby
Some people are firestarters
others rain
others rock
women are animals
that men hunt
men are butterflies that
can’t ever really be caught
I am free and I am burdened
I use the fire to get me hot
I put it out when I get lost
I was never my mother’s
not even in the womb
a psychic on Alder street said
when the seed was planted
I was bloomed
I raged out of her fists up and
how do I shake it?
Angry babies are not funny
they just try to fake it
I was always my father’s child
If at a distance
I was a grown man,
a grown woman
I am fire, ice
all of it
Love in Chains
Am I seeing you
or seeing things?
Was it your truck,
your face in my
waking dream?
Place me
in front of you
don’t waste me
It’s not him
It’s not him
I need to taste you
Cruel
Sun
Cruel
Day
Cruel
Life
She wasted
away when
she intended
to take flight
Why crash course
me, why not time?
Why not now?
Do you have a
problem or your
own vendetta?
Why so hard
Why so hard
Why doesn’t loving
get better?
My love’s not
free anymore
it’s bolted and
chained
My desire used
to fly in the wind
now it lays in the
shade
I’m cross
I’m brash
I’m nasty
It’s not him
It’s not him
I need to taste you
I Can’t Stop Now
I can’t stop looking at you now
Peering in when we’re apart
Parting your blinds
and watching you,
grotesque, long and blond
just like you always were
standing a little taller now
you lifted your chin in pride
when I tried to kick you
naturally I missed you
Now that we’ve been around
the block all I want to do
is tuck you in and kiss you
My Friend Soul
I saw my soul
sitting out by the lake
on that old cedar bench
my father gave me
I saw my soul
heaped over like
a bag of leaves
as it wept and
contemplated
I was surprised
to see it there
on such a weathered
winter day and after
the sun had set too
I stood and stared
squinting into the
dark and waiting
for it to move
My soul was
all wrapped up
it was wrapped
around itself
like a tangled
silver chain
link upon link
knot upon knot
year upon year
I could barely
see its eyes
its three eyes
and its head
sticking out there
and its nose
its knowing nose
and its lips
mouthing “hope”
My brain nodded
and carried on
my body yearned
and bucked
and then all three,
brain, body, and soul
surrendered to the
great unknown
I sent out a prayer
for sweet dreams
and joyful awakenings
In the seven a.m.
light the sun shone
upon an empty
cedar bench…
my friend soul had
found some other
place to rest
Nostalgic
Permitting my
mind to wander
like a small child
in a meadow
back before the
tablets and
animated games
when one would
examine the grasses
and discover its
many kinds–
Rattlesnake grass,
Kentucky Bluegrass,
the type with edible
lavender or buttercup
flowers
Nature was as close
to a child as the chest
of a mother and nature
was enough for the
eighties child
Allowing my
mind to wander
like water
around the bend
around the tangible
spaces of this life
reaching and touching,
smelling and lifting
avoiding the flashing
and faux
Love is I Don’t Know
There is justice in love. There is you respect me, I respect you. There are open waves of communication and light, airy energy. Oh I thought it was so many things before but no, no love is none of those things…but love tries to be.
Love is my type. Love is talking about him over and over to my girlfriends but claiming still he is not worthy. Love is when I fall on my face and need him to pick me up. Love is that guy in the corner dusting croissant crumbs from his shirt. But a wedding ring shines on his hand so love is him, but not for me.
Love is us dancing.
Love is us dancing when no one else is dancing. Love is you spinning me and me dipping you. Love is me being made a fool. Love is you with your eyes on me all night.
Love is you having more self-control than I do and me trying to siphon it through your mouth.
Love is us both having adorable cats, yours fuzzy, mine fat, and me day-dreaming of us all living together.
Love is the many many months I’ve put into this relationship, whether I wanted to or not.
Love is us having the same (excellent) taste in music.
Love is me kicking and screaming.
Love is you playing guitar.
Love is me thinking I’m better than you only you realize you are a much better man than I am.
Love is writing so hard about you I run out of paper.
Love is knowing I could write all night long about love.
Which I know nothing about.
Love is death.
Love is birth.
Love escapes.
Love is trapped
just outside my door.
Surrender
How many times
before I learn the lesson?
When I fall, I lessen
Before it was fun and games
cherries, pigtails, self-forgiveness
Now its consequences,
perpetual rain clouds,
ditches.
Shame myself
Smack myself
cry alone
up-in-arms
place blame
point fingers
fuck myself
fuck you too
no, that’s no good,
that won’t do
turn the page
don’t lick the
poisoned apple
turn and run
let my feet
kick up dirt
Live for
responsibility
dignity
prayer
…yeah I may have
dropped the ball
but I’m still here
Forgive me father
for I have sinned
don’t pat me on the
back this time,
you’re not my friend
Mother
Father
I sever the chord
release me
forever
from the mold/
from things so old
stale
gray
black
red black
love me back
light
white
air
I surrender lord
I’m here
Maybe Tomorrow
I light a candle
bid the day away
the sun winks at me
set below the frozen lake
Maybe tomorrow,
Maybe tomorrow
fortune and fame
But today I am I
I am me just the same
SPARK Project
I wrote the following story during a collaboration project (SPARK) with Jane Souza Hulstrunk who provided me with this photograph taken near her home in Vermont. It inspired a whopping 1,300 words, this is my “response” to the above photograph.
The Three Musketeers
I want to write about my neighbors. My neighbors down the lane. The ones that live behind the boxwood hedge on that property with the purple house, the green house, and the yellow house. They live in the smallest house, the purple one. The other houses are for pet birds, antiques, and a blond mannequin named Suzanne. Oh, and they have one large space dedicated solely to dancing, which is larger than their living space. Its walls are covered with hand-painted murals–murals of Welsh goddesses, tropical scenery, and deceased K-9′s.
Known as the Three Musketeers, my kooky (and I say that with love) neighbors consist of two sisters and one boyfriend. The three of them share a modest single room living space as well as the same bottle of auburn hair dye. At some point, their hair will fade to a rusty autumn orange and then simultaneously, they will all be rocking the deep auburn color again. The boyfriend has long hair, of course.
I want to write about Saturdays.
On Saturdays, I give the Three Musketeers a ride into town. At least I did for all of summer and fall. I haven’t seen them since the snow hit. Our other neighbor, Ember, told me “Oh, the Three Musketeers don’t go out in Winter.”
I want to write about one Saturday in warm, early September.
I was driving the Three Musketeers to town on route to work. They wanted to be dropped off at a friend’s house downtown–we were deep in conversation (they are all excellent conversationalists) about alternative education, raw food dieting, and reincarnation. No one had told me exactly where I was supposed to be driving, I just knew to go “downtown”. Well, I drove several blocks before interrupting Leeza, the sister-Musketeer without the boyfriend (I think, though someone mentioned that the three have an “odd” relationship), I said to her, “I’m sorry I don’t really know where I’m supposed to go…” and I made a slow left turn onto 12th Street, turning off of the busy four-lane street I was on, onto a side street. I want to write about how I saw a man standing on the sidewalk on the corner in front of a pale yellow and white house and the Three Musketeers all hollered “This is it! That is our friend!” just as I intuitively slowed to a stop in front of our destination.
I want to write about mushrooms and rock and roll.
I want to write about chanterelles, morels, hedgehogs, yellow feet, shaggy manes. I want to write about The Doors.
In the year 2000, my father quit his job as a road-construction worker and opted for seasonal work: mushrooming in the fall, Harry & David of Medford, Oregon in the winter and landscaping in the summer…if lucky. Without a doubt, my father enjoyed mushrooming the most. He studied Mushrooms Demystified, the bible of mycology, took an identification workshop at the local community college, and began tagging along with avid mushroomers every chance he got, tromping through the wet and wild Forest Service and BLM lands of Washington, Oregon, and California. And sometimes, scouring peoples’ backyards. My father hated crabbing, a popular local trade, “too sad” he’d say, shaking his head. He chopped his fingers off at twenty working in a saw mill. Though he never said why, he doesn’t prefer to do that work anymore. But mushrooming, mushrooming was something my father could get behind. He became obsessed, often picking alone but sometimes making hundreds and hundreds of dollars a season, maybe even a thousand, which in my father’s world is considered lucrative.
I want to write about all the times I tromped along with him. In the fall of 2009 and 2010, I was working just up the highway from him at the Oregon Caves National Monument. I was spending a lot of the time crawling around the “back” parts of the cave: the places with no paved trail, no light bulbs, and no head space. Crawling up the mountain sides, looking underneath the manzanita shrubs and alder trees reminded me of caving, and I told him that.
I want to write about mushrooming with the Three Musketeers. I want to write about Linn wearing her Mary Janes and me teasing her for it. I was wearing gators over my jeans and hiking boots. I want to write about Linn some more. Linn, the sister-Musketeer with the boyfriend (perhaps the most loving couple I have ever met) religiously wears dresses. If she wears pants they are tights or leggings, and always with a dress. When we went mushrooming she wore a flowery summer dress with her Mary Janes and nylons. She looked like me going to church when I was nine. It was fifty degrees out. It had just rained and the land was soaked like a sponge.
I want to write about the long-haired boyfriend, Thea, like Theo with an ‘a’. When I arrived, Thea was busy wrestling with a boom box the size of a pit-bull. He had it hoisted over his shoulder and was covering it with a poncho” ‘case it should rain”. It was already sprinkling, but there would be tree cover where we were headed.
“Love hikin’ with a stereo,” Thea said to me with a nod.
“Oh, I’ve never done that,” I replied.
“Oh yeah, keeps the cats away.” he said, alluding to the mountain lions.
Thea wasn’t bringing a bucket. Said he wasn’t any good at spotting mushrooms, “my eyes”, he explained, one eye pointing toward outward and one eye aiming somewhere around my third eye or hairline.
I want to write about how our property borders BLM land and our landlord posting “No Hunting” signs all over so that when we hike we can be sure we’re safe. I want to write about the single-trek dirt trail and crawling over the wire fence and Linn’s summer dress getting snagged on it.
I want to write about Leeza spotting the first chanterelle, of course, and us seeing all sorts of different fungi while listening to Riders on the Storm and Plastic Fantastic Lover and Mr. Tambourine Man. I want to write about the long silver radio antenna snapping off its base and Thea holding the radio together for two full hours, giving up on the hunting and focusing only on providing us with all the groovy tunes, which is not to say he didn’t bitch about the broken antenna the whole time.
I want to write about the pound and a half of orange chanterelles I plucked with my pocket knife and placed carefully into my white plastic bucket, the bucket my father gave me. I want to write about how I keep mushrooms cleaner than anyone I know and when it comes time to cook, the specimens are already free of fir needles, mud, and lichen. I want to write about the meal I prepared for myself after the hike, using store-bought tomatoes from some far-off, sunny place. I want to write about the thyme, the sea salt, and the rosemary. I want to write about the chanterelles. I want to write about eating alone. I want to write about writing. I want to write about it all. Radio. Rain. Lovers and fall. I want to write.
