My Self Lately

My mind is a machine in need
of a tune-up
My heart a dilapidated thing, again
And who damaged it but me
The only calm I come by is dawn,
even my dreams are exhausting
I am a sterile girl
with a pregnant body in
all places but the womb
My body is one bursting with life
but oppressed and not-in-use.
The past few weeks have grown me
older than all of last year
The days are dropping like rotten apples
from a tree I used to call home
and I am lying down,
fermented,
achy,
and by choice,
alone.

Walking With Our Love Woes

We all have our love woes
They come in their own unique
shapes and sizes
Often lopsided
Old married couples have big love woes that
make for strong foundations
Things to fall back on
Like joint accounts
and children
Things that make people say ‘oh what the hell’
and stay
Young couples have little
love woes that they pick at until
they bleed
and when they dry they
pick at them again
I let you guess which love woe
I have
I’m walking with my love woes
who put this day in winter?
We bundle up, our faces sadder than ever
and everyone I see
is walking alone

Blue–An Unexpected Love Poem

I thought I had it all figured out
Thought that I had no doubt
I thought I knew black from blue
Thought I knew me from you
I thought I had you to choose
Thought I had nothin’ to lose
I thought I had something to offer
Thought why should I bother
I thought I had a future
without you
Now I’m not so sure
that I do
Blue

Music Inspiration: When I Can’t Write, at Least I Can Listen

Feature O’ The Day:

Michael Franti: Stay Human (All The Freaky People)

This one’s dedicated to all the freaky people out there
All us freaks n’ weirdos
Just tryin’ to make it through life
You know what I’m sayin’
Sometimes
It’s rough out there
Just try and keep a sense of humor
Try to stay human

Starvation is the creation of the devil
A rebel
I’m bringin’ food to the people like a widow
Bringin’ flowers to a grave in the middle
Of the city
Isolation is a riddle
To be surrounded by a million other people
But to feel alone like a tree in a desert
Dried up like the skin of a lizard
But full of color like the spots of a leopard
Drum and bass pull me in like a shepherd
Scratch my itch like a needle on a record
Full of life like a man gone to Mecca
Sky high like an eagle up soaring
I speak low but I’m like a lion roaring
Baritone like a Robeson recordin’
I’m givin’ thanks for bein’ human every morning
Morning morning

Because the streets are alive
With the sound of Boom bap
Can I hear it once again
Boom bap
Tell your neighbor tell a friend
Every box gotta right to be boomin’
Because the streets are alive
With the sound of Boom bap
Can I hear it once again
Boom bap
Tell your neighbor tell a friend
Every flower got a right to be boomin’

Be resistant
The negativity we keep it at a distance
Call for backup and I’ll give you some assistance
Like a lifesaver deep in the ocean
Stay afloat here upon the funky motion
Rock and roll upon the waves of the season
Hold your breath and your underwater breathin’
To be rhymin’ without a real reason
Is to claim but not to practice a religion
If television is the drug of the nation
Satellite is immaculate reception
Beaming in they can look and they can listen
So you see don’t believe in the system
To legalize you or give you your freedom
You want rights ask ’em, they’ll read em’
But every flower got a right to be bloomin’
Stay human

Because the streets are alive
With the sound of Boom bap
Can I hear it once again
Boom bap, tell your neighbor tell a friend
Every box gotta right to be boomin’
Because the streets are alive
With the sound of
Boom bap
Can I hear it once again
Boom bap, tell your neighbor tell a friend
Every flower got a right to be boomin’

‘Cause all the freaky people make the beauty of the world
All the freaky people make the beauty of the world
‘Cause all the freaky people make the beauty of the world
All the freaky people make the beauty of the world
‘Cause all the freaky people make the beauty of the world
All the freaky people make the beauty of the world
See all the freaky people make the beauty of the world
All the freaky people make the beauty of the world

Y2K ya know is a moment
In time we find that we can open
Up a heart that’s locked or been broken
By the pain of words not spoken
Or shot by guns a still smokin’
Cartwrights out on the Ponderosa
Or drive by bang in Testarossa
We need to heed the words of Dalai Lama!
Or at least the words of yo mama
Take a mental trip to the Bahamas
Steam your body in a stereo sauna, sauna, comma

Because the streets are alive
With the sound of Boom bap
Can I hear it once again
Boom bap, tell your neighbor tell a friend
Every box gotta right to be boomin’
Because the streets are alive with the sound of
Boom bap, can I hear it once again
Boom bap, tell your neighbor tell a friend
Every flower got a right to be bloomin’
Because the streets are alive
With the sound of Boom bap
Can I hear it once again
Boom bap, tell your neighbor tell a friend
And every box gotta right to be boomin’
Because the streets are alive
With sound of Boom bap
Can I hear it once again
Boom bap
Tell your neighbor, tell your friend
Cause every flower got a right to be bloomin’
And every box got a right to be boomin’
And every child gotta right to be zoomin’
Every voice got a right to be scooby-doin’
Scooby-dooby-dooby-dooby-dooby doin’

Cause all the freaky people make the beauty of the world
All the freaky people make the beauty of the world

Neurotic Fan Part I

I missed out on the free stuffed animal cause I wanted a beer and the line for beer was zilch and the line for a free stuffed animal was around the block and down the hall.

I was disappointed.

I thought I was part of a bite-size group of people and after the show we’d all sit around in someone’s cramped apartment drinking straight whiskey and maybe doing a little coke.

I thought I’d get to talk up my book and maybe Chuck Palahniuk and Lidia would ask me to join their writers’ group.

It doesn’t matter if you’ve got no experience–all that matters is you’ve passion, and you do, I can see it in you they’d say as I’d shoot back the whiskey hollering Fuck yeah I do! sticking out my tongue and shaking my head back and forth. We’d all cheer and laugh. There aren’t enough writers out there, Chuck would tell me.

I thought I’d be the only girl in a black kimono and that Lidia might point me out to the audience, telling everyone what a good writer I was and some hot guy would spot me and think I was super sexy. Then he’d approach me and we’d fall in love and we’d both be writers and we’d make writer love.

It didn’t matter that I was already in love, and with a writer. Things could always get better.

You already know how this ends: in near full disappointment.

After standing in line with fifty-billion fucking college kids watching them text and say Like and grab eachother’s asses we filed inside where I slipped away to the WOW Hall’s basement bar missing my chance at a free stuffed animal (free to the first 100 people).

It was so quiet down there the bartender had her back to me and was on her knees stocking the cooler. I cleared my throat, ordered a Sierra Nevada, and sat in the corner and read Dora.

I knew Lidia was upstairs signing books for all the, like, college kids and I tried to summon her downstairs with my mind. Cause down in the dark basement bar was where Lidia should be. And, you know if it were twenty years ago it’s where she woulda been. But it wasn’t twenty years ago.

That was a long time ago.

It’s a Serious Life

I don’t know where I’m going
but I know exactly where I’m goin’

The nights are long and
that’s when I drive
even late afternoon is night these days.
I can see only the ground which
the headlights cover.
I just hope for the best
with the rest.

Most my truths come out
at night.
In the day my
truths hide behind
trees and buildings and
large people.
Only the children can see them
with their eyes wide open
their selves not afraid

I hope with all my heart that
any path I choose is right.
But I know that is wrong.
What I mean is, I know that
isn’t true.
I’ve seen enough
sad stories to know there’s
no “all part of a bigger plan”

WE ACT
AND THERE ARE
CONSEQUENCES

So, you’re saying she was suppose to
die an alcoholic who felt like her
children didn’t love her

So, you’re saying the woman who
cannot conceive really isn’t meant
to be a mother
The woman with the nursery
and the money
and the heart
and the warmth

So, you’re saying he was
destined to die on his way
to his wedding

So, you’re saying 26 children
dying is all part of the plan?

Fuck you.

We act and there are consequences

WE ACT
AND THERE ARE
CONSEQUENCES

People who claim it’s all
god’s will must’ve had their
asses wiped and their lunches packed

This is why I take my life so seriously.
One wrong move and
BAM
You end up where you
didn’t want to be.
Should’ve been drivin’ your own
train buddy, shoulda been in the
driver’s seat

You Can’t Tame A Wild Thing

To the east is wild. But to the west is even wilder. Always.
Nothing is more wild than the ocean, to me.
When I was young I had a birthday party at the beach and the sun went down and the tide came in and we while we all ran around the bon fire, the waves crashed in and took with it all of the birthday presents the kids had brought. Nice gifts, from their parents. I remember Tommy’s mom who was a beautician gave me a little fancy bag full of three or four bottles of nail polish. Blue and green and purple cause that’s what was in.
I remember I’d finally gotten that certain jacket I’d wanted–but the big bon fire was so hot in the sand and we were all running around, caught between kids and teenagers and I didn’t put the jacket on I just wore my striped long sleeve shirt. Us kids played back then. 
A boy who thought he was my boyfriend (I guess I was leading him on) took me to a big log drift wood and kissed me on the lips.
Happy Birthday.
No thanks.
Cara and I wrestled in the waves and got so rowdy that I ripped her earring out–or she ripped mine out, I cannot recall. Someone bled and we laughed.

~~~

Someday I’ll really be out there. I’ll travel as far out into the wild ocean as my birthday presents did that year. It’ll be me and the insane stark white and teal waves and the whales and the dolphins and the diamonds on the water–all the diamonds–and the sunset and west, west and more west.
It’ll be me and my memories.
I’ll let them go out there. I’ll free them.
One by one I’ll drop them over the edge like excess baggage that my ship can no longer stand to carry.
My liberated soul the only anchor I’ll need.
Onward toward the rest of my life as a woman. Onward to my Womanhood, letting go, knowing that dry land and home awaits me. Solid land to the east. My home awaits me. Letting go into the ocean. Being in the wild. Letting go of the weight, the abuse the neglect like wet clothing like lead like city like smog like ego like pride like fear.
I’ll let let it go alright. Out in the waves.
But not until I finish this flipping book.
I need an ending to my story.
And then
I will go
and let go
for good.

Wake Up

Inhale. Exhale.

Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Choke. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Cough. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. No smoke. Is even. Coming out. Anymore. Inhale. Inhale. Exhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Exhale. I’m exhausted. Inhale. Enough already. Exhale.

Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale.  Inhale. Exhale. Exhale.

Stop. Just stop.

You don’t need this to define you.

Inhale, count two-three-four…

Exhale, two-three-four

Stop.

Enough already.

Your body doesn’t deserve this.

T – 48 Hours, Bitches

It’s a sad day
Sunday’s are good sad days
the thrift stores aren’t open
so I can’t shop away my sad day
and make the day even more sad by
hazily shuffling the isles
amidst the crazy old ladies
and second-hand clothes ridden with spirits.

No one can help me but me

I will rouse again along with the New Year

That’s why my energy is so low

The Universe has me flat on my back

Recharging

I’m certainly plugged in,
my mind screams,
but my body won’t have it

I’m flat on my back for all the
world to see,

I told my boyfriend,
lock the doors.

I may be lying on my back now,
but I’ll be taking on the world
in T – 48 hours.

Bitches.