Villains

It was a big house but it was ugly. The house had inky-colored energy and smelled like old-people ass and chewing tobacco. True stench is thick. When you breathed you swallowed the stench. I had a bunch of male cousins growing up and my one cousin “John Boy” burped and I said “That smells so bad I can taste it!” He asked me, “Can you taste my farts too?” Boys were so gross. At six I didn’t know anyone who smelt worse than my boy cousins or my great grandparents. Fact I still don’t.

I had a special place. In Requa, I spent most my time outside, which nobody seemed to mind. Just had to be in by dark. Ish. I searched high and low for my special place. I knew my bedroom couldn’t be my special place since it was haunted. The inky-colored energy repelled me from that place. Rumor had it a woman slowly died of cancer in there. It was a bedroom Dad and I shared. We both had our own twin bed like we were brother and sister and we shared an old wooden dresser, other than that there was nothing in there. No toys. No photos. At night I would make my dad face me and watch for ghosts behind me. And I would face him and watch for ghosts behind him. Problem was my dad would fall quickly into slumber, tired from work at the road department. “Dad! Dad!” I would say, frightened white. “You’re not watching!”

There were a couple of rooms in the big, cold, inky, smelly, sad-memory-house that I wouldn’t even go in. One room had paintings of great aunt’s of mine that I didn’t really know. The one who lived on the hill behind us and talked to herself and the one who pulled her hair out piece-by-piece and the one who got away and never looked back. The eyeballs of the women in the paintings would follow me. Already an introvert, I didn’t want to be around anybody–even if they were just faces of paint. Hell, the paintings had more personality than the real women did. They smiled more.

Two other rooms had things in them that belonged to my great grandfather–I can’t even type his name out. Wayne. There. I did it. The room had Wayne’s things–rocks, stalactites, harmonicas, old newspapers, all disgusting things that I didn’t want to be around. Things I liked fine on their own but with his prints on them made me head in another direction. If only I could run in the opposite direction of him when I saw him. But I was raised up not to be rude. To respect your elders.

I didn’t want to be rude.
I didn’t want to be rude.

I tried to make the upstairs bathroom my special place but great grandma Faith had a big problem with that. I think she was worried I might drown in there, in the deep clawfoot tub. Drown like my father did. Before he came back to life. I didn’t realize the root of her concern until now. Tragedy upon tragedy.

I realllllly wanted my special place to be upstairs, because the villains couldn’t climb the stairs. But it was really just too inky up there. Downstairs wasn’t an option. Downstairs was a quiet battleground. Even when Dad came home from work I wasn’t safe cause the villains were that good. They were sneaky and I didn’t want to be rude.

Conference Notes: An Editor’s Wishlist

“An Editor’s Wishlist” presented at Making it in Changing Times by the dashing Jessica Morrell

* I really tried to take these conference notes word-for-word–but naturally something will be lost or manipulated along the way. My apologies. In addition, I added my own special formatting to the notes. For example in this first post I will do a simple “bullet list” since the topic was editor’s “wishlist”.

 

———————————————–“Editor’s Wishlist”:

———————————————-A writer who:

 

  • #1. Has Voice!

    What is Voice?

    -Your character’s consciousness
    -A character who has more personality than you do
    -In harmony with your roots
    -Changes depending on the circumstances

 

  • Can promote their own work via personal blog, goodreads.com, Twitter, Facebook. One more time: CAN PROMOTE THEIR OWN WORK VIA PERSONAL BLOG, GOODREADS.COM, TWITTER, FACEBOOK

 

  • Has realistic expectations about editors and publishers (piggy-backing off the former bullet)

 

  • Is shocking, surprising, and uses “fire-fly” words (i.e. magical, special words. No clichés!)

 

  • Uses word combinations that make you feel something, one example is “he huck-finned his way across the nation” 

 

  • Has a “high-concept” story–a story that gets across a single point such as Cheryl Strayed’s WILD: From Lost to Found on the Pacific Crest Trail. A story about a woman hiking the Pacific Crest Trail. Another example is Jurassic Park. A story about Dinosaur’s living in the modern world.

    “There is a dramatic question at the heart of every high-concept story” – Jessica Morrell

    A story that is NOT high-concept makes the reader say “wait, what is this story about exactly?”

 
In closing:

“The traditional publishing world has changed–but editors need you, publishers need you. You are teenage girls and publishers are teenage boys.” – Jessica Morrell

Very Inspiring Blogger Award!

very-inspiring-blogger-award

Oh boy! Much to my surprise (looooove surprises!) Maggie Madly Writing nominated little ol’ me for a blog award! This my second blog award and I’m absolutely, 100% shocked and honored. I mean, I was starting to think my blog kinda sucked if you want to know the truth…

Anyways, thank you Maggie! You are incredibly generous and forgiving.

 

Rules for blog award:

1) Display the blog award
2) Mention and link to the person who nominated you
3) Tell readers 7 things about yourself
4) Nominate 3 fellow bloggers

 

7 Things:

1) Today, I used honey in my coffee instead of cream and sugar–and I actually liked it a lot better!

2) I’m reading 3 books right now, all written by people I know! (The Dragon’s Harp by Rachael Pruitt, Make Love To The Universe by Phoenix Desmond and A Common Pornography: A Memoir by Kevin Sampsell)

3) Rachael Pruitt is a dear friend, Phoenix Desmond is my yoga teacher, and actually…I don’t really know Kevin Sampsell but I have met him!

4) I’ve lived in a lot of different places: Crescent City, Klamath, Rock Creek, Orick, Lacey, Sunsites, Douglas, Orlando, Flagstaff, Cave Junction and Eugene.

5) I’m moving to a farm smack dab in between Canby and Molalla, Oregon and I still don’t know which town to say I live in. I like the sound of Molalla, but my mailing address is in Canby…

6) On February 14th my boyfriend and I will celebrate our 2 year anniversary. But we were thinking of telling people it’s been 3 years. So we’re taken more seriously or something. Hey, it feels like it’s been 3 years. In a good way.

7) I have Twitter now. Follow me!

 

Now, for the nominations:

Maggie Madly Writing (what?! I love your blog!)

What’s Broken by Lennon Sundance

Found in France by Leamuse

There are many other bloggers I admire, I mean, A LOT and I hope for the opportunity to nominate you in the future!

Thanks again Maggie!

Making it in Changing Times Conference Notes

I made my way up to Portland (soon I won’t have to travel so far, yay!) on January 26th for a writers conference, Making it in Changing Times.

Lidia Yuknavitch was the keynote speaker and the event was organized by Jessica Morrell author of Writing Out The Storm, a book Lidia held close to her chest and kept on her bedstand during the FIRST days, weeks, and months of her writing career. She credits the book for motivating her to write. Jessica Morrell is to Lidia what Natalie Goldberg is to me.

The event was SPECTACULAR. I was high the entire time. On writing, folks, on writing. During the session I thought of you guys: my blogging community. My writing tribe. My stranger-angels.

I took notes of course, with the intent of sharing them on my blog. With you. Because you are where I am–scratching and clawing your way into the writing world. Some of you are further along than others. For some of you this information will be premature, for others it will be old news. But I hope for at least one of you, it is just perfect useful.

Over the next few days, I will post 4 conference “notes”:

1. “An Editor’s Wishlist” by Jessica Morrell
2. “Kick Start Your Writing in 2013” by Polly Campell
3. “The Worth of Risk” by Lidia Yuknavitch
4. “Signs You’re Telling Not Showing” by Jessica Morrell

Do you know these authors? What books, conferences, and authors have inspired you? Please share your thoughts, we’re all in this together. I’ve never heard of an artist being “over inspired”, have you? For me, I can’t get enough inspiration. But like love, the timing has to be just right…if you don’t get anything from these notes right off–come back. It’s good stuff.

Music Inspiration: When I Can’t Write, at Least I Can Listen

Feature O’ The Day:

Michael Franti: Stay Human (All The Freaky People)

This one’s dedicated to all the freaky people out there
All us freaks n’ weirdos
Just tryin’ to make it through life
You know what I’m sayin’
Sometimes
It’s rough out there
Just try and keep a sense of humor
Try to stay human

Starvation is the creation of the devil
A rebel
I’m bringin’ food to the people like a widow
Bringin’ flowers to a grave in the middle
Of the city
Isolation is a riddle
To be surrounded by a million other people
But to feel alone like a tree in a desert
Dried up like the skin of a lizard
But full of color like the spots of a leopard
Drum and bass pull me in like a shepherd
Scratch my itch like a needle on a record
Full of life like a man gone to Mecca
Sky high like an eagle up soaring
I speak low but I’m like a lion roaring
Baritone like a Robeson recordin’
I’m givin’ thanks for bein’ human every morning
Morning morning

Because the streets are alive
With the sound of Boom bap
Can I hear it once again
Boom bap
Tell your neighbor tell a friend
Every box gotta right to be boomin’
Because the streets are alive
With the sound of Boom bap
Can I hear it once again
Boom bap
Tell your neighbor tell a friend
Every flower got a right to be boomin’

Be resistant
The negativity we keep it at a distance
Call for backup and I’ll give you some assistance
Like a lifesaver deep in the ocean
Stay afloat here upon the funky motion
Rock and roll upon the waves of the season
Hold your breath and your underwater breathin’
To be rhymin’ without a real reason
Is to claim but not to practice a religion
If television is the drug of the nation
Satellite is immaculate reception
Beaming in they can look and they can listen
So you see don’t believe in the system
To legalize you or give you your freedom
You want rights ask ’em, they’ll read em’
But every flower got a right to be bloomin’
Stay human

Because the streets are alive
With the sound of Boom bap
Can I hear it once again
Boom bap, tell your neighbor tell a friend
Every box gotta right to be boomin’
Because the streets are alive
With the sound of
Boom bap
Can I hear it once again
Boom bap, tell your neighbor tell a friend
Every flower got a right to be boomin’

‘Cause all the freaky people make the beauty of the world
All the freaky people make the beauty of the world
‘Cause all the freaky people make the beauty of the world
All the freaky people make the beauty of the world
‘Cause all the freaky people make the beauty of the world
All the freaky people make the beauty of the world
See all the freaky people make the beauty of the world
All the freaky people make the beauty of the world

Y2K ya know is a moment
In time we find that we can open
Up a heart that’s locked or been broken
By the pain of words not spoken
Or shot by guns a still smokin’
Cartwrights out on the Ponderosa
Or drive by bang in Testarossa
We need to heed the words of Dalai Lama!
Or at least the words of yo mama
Take a mental trip to the Bahamas
Steam your body in a stereo sauna, sauna, comma

Because the streets are alive
With the sound of Boom bap
Can I hear it once again
Boom bap, tell your neighbor tell a friend
Every box gotta right to be boomin’
Because the streets are alive with the sound of
Boom bap, can I hear it once again
Boom bap, tell your neighbor tell a friend
Every flower got a right to be bloomin’
Because the streets are alive
With the sound of Boom bap
Can I hear it once again
Boom bap, tell your neighbor tell a friend
And every box gotta right to be boomin’
Because the streets are alive
With sound of Boom bap
Can I hear it once again
Boom bap
Tell your neighbor, tell your friend
Cause every flower got a right to be bloomin’
And every box got a right to be boomin’
And every child gotta right to be zoomin’
Every voice got a right to be scooby-doin’
Scooby-dooby-dooby-dooby-dooby doin’

Cause all the freaky people make the beauty of the world
All the freaky people make the beauty of the world

Neurotic Fan Part III–Chuck Palahniuk

Image by dailyemerald.com
Image by dailyemerald.com

Throughout the night Lidia, Chelsea and Chuck read their potent pieces and throw out souvenirs to the crowd–teddy bears and baby dolls and just the heads of baby dolls. And somehow toy intestines (see image above).

One million times I think of yelling Mommy! Mommy! to Lidia, my child-like fascination with her echoed by the toys they toss.

These people don’t need a gimmick. They’re gods, not people. They’re not like us. They should know just their presence is enough. But I guess they have to get their kicks too. All these shows feeling the same after time.

You should’ve seen the way these kids were clawing and begging for more toys. Lidia told one girl, You’ve have enough. Look at you, you have like fucking five.

Mommy! Over here! I scream inside my head.

Later, I leave the show with nothing but my covered-up shaven legs, and Dora: A Headcase, unsigned. I hadn’t even caught Lidia’s eye.

Image by ethosmagonline.com
Image by ethosmagonline.com

I round the west corner of the WOW Hall, thinking of how I’d taken Chuck Palahniuk for an uber-eccentric, maybe a little self-centered at the worst, I mean he was famous and all that…but that wasn’t Chuck had come off. Not at all. He came off as a gentle spirit, more than just a writer, but quietly charismatic too…
when,

BAM

there’s Chuck in my peripheral vision, exiting the back door to escape the crowd…both of us in our silk robes, his–red, mine–black.

Lucky. Fucking. Me.

“Thank you,” I say, gesturing with a nonchalant nod.

“Have a good night,” Chuck tells me.

A bum sitting on a nearby tree stump parrots Chuck’s words as I pass: Have a good night, Have a good night. My mind is already doing the same as I head home sober as a whistle and starstruck.

I’m a Night-Creature Again (Warning: Life Rant)

While you sleep I watch and write.

Art by Kate Gabrielle
Art by Kate Gabrielle

When I first moved to Eugene I searched for work for a month or two before finding a night shift position at a group home for teenagers. I wasn’t sure about staying up all night five days per week but let’s face it: I’m no stranger to the night.

It turned out the position suited me well. My job involved insuring the safety of our clientele–and when it comes to wayward teens I am a claws out, karate-chopping mother-hen-type gal (I remember what it was like to be in their shoes, many having been abandoned by their parents and experiencing unimaginable amounts of helplessness).

After being laid-off (surprise!) in November I sulked for nearly three months, writing a bit at first but losing my momentum as it seems writing and life and work all go hand-in-hand (I’ve heard many writer’s attest to this). Then, last week, in some crazy twist of fate, in a “the more things change the more things stay the same” kind-of-way, I was rehired. I will sit at the same desk, I will walk the same grounds at three a.m. admiring the same moon and all its phases and I will cook breakfast at the end of my shift in the same kitchen for the same people.

I am ecstatic. I’d recommend that any writer consider the night shift. In between bed-checks and garbage-taking-out and pots of coffee: there is writing. There is quiet. There is time and space and somehow, money too. Graveyard work + Writer’s dreams = Happy camper.

Music Inspiration–When I Can’t Write, at Least I Can Listen

Feature O’ The Day:

Widespread Panic: All Time Low

Black heart sun rides the sky
Now your eyes are running dry
Oh, like the space around me
I take my spot in time

Who knows who is both your best friend and brother
When everyone’s deserted you
Who’d shoot first and ask questions later
If anybody’s messed with you
Pretty soon we’ll all be tumblin’ like a barrel
Thrown from the top of the waterfall, well
I’m drowning in piranhas in the river
Man, what a drag, man

Black heart sun rides the sky
Now your wells are runnin’ dry
Like the space around me
I take my spot in time

Who knows who is both your best friend and brother
When everyone’s deserted you
Who’d shoot first and ask questions later
If anybody’s messed with you
Pretty soon we’ll all be tumblin’ like a barrel
Thrown from the top of the waterfall, well
I’m drowning in piranhas in the river
Man, what a drag!
Man, what a drag!
Man, what a drag!

I was talkin’ to my teacher
Said I didn’t have a clue
I think my principles are reachin’
An all time low
I saw my lady in the streetlight
She was walkin’ with her man
They were headed for the fire
That was burnin’ in the sand
I think my principles are reachin’
An all time low
I think my principles are reachin’
An all time, all time low
All time low
All time low
All time low
All time low

Neurotic Fan Part II–Am I Invisible?

I shuffle upstairs in my long black kimono, the show starting soon.

I go to the bathroom to piss out my beer and stand in line, nobody talking to me and me talking to nobody. I think of what a little city Eugene is. People say it’s a real friendly city. I’m not entirely convinced. I remember bathrooms down on the border of Mexico and how they came practically stocked with cocaine and how that really brought the women together, really opened up the lines of communication, har har.

Eugene needs more drugs, for sure. Women here care about health and spirituality and jogging. Fucking. Jogging.

I emerge from the bathroom stall and am the only person left. Good. I wash my hands and check myself out in the mirror, remembering the young girl who didn’t check my ID. Bitch.

Then I hear a stall door open and close. And though I didn’t know it yet– I hear the sigh of Chelsea Cain’s pre-show nervousness or boredom, I don’t know, but it was a sigh…a famous-author-sigh and Famous. Authors. Are. People. Too.

“Oh. Hi!”

I perk right up as Chelsea Cain emerges in her pink lipstick, short nighty and fuzzy bunny slippers.

“Hi!” She smiles her bright, gorgeous smile.

“I like your nightgown. Very vintage.” I smile back. Again.

“Oh, thank you.”

“Well, have fun!” I wave while leaving the bathroom.

I look for Lidia but she’s hiding (she does that) and I think, gosh, I hope Chelsea knows I know who she is. All I did was talk about her clothes. I could’ve mentioned her books.

But the truth is, I hadn’t yet read her. But I liked her–just for being her–she was perky and charismatic, I knew that. A week later I would read her memoir Dharma Girl, which wasn’t a struggle, not at all, it was very well-written and introspective but lacking a little spice and danger.

Reading Dharma Girl after reading The Chronology of Water reminded me of when I replaced methamphetamine with cocaine (we’re talking daily use here). So mellow it was hardly even potent. But it’s all relative–if I did cocaine now I’d be swimming the clouds. Back-strokes n’ shit.

I’m sure, no I’m certain Chelsea Cain’s murder mystery shit is potent as hell.

So I look for Lidia and she’s still nowhere to be found. I get in line for a stuffed animal and I’m the only one there and there’s an empty box behind the deserted foldy-table.

Oh well.

I join the fifty-thousand fucking horny college kids with their iPhones and now their huge cheetah and lion stuffed animals that they’re literally making hump eachother.

I sit on the floor cross-legged with my faint close-lipped smile that says I’m approachable and someone elbows me in the mouth and a round girl in front of me scootches back to make room for her friend, a sexy blonde in a black kimono and they snap a picture together and they’re so close I could lick the backs of their heads. I shift uncomfortably and think Am I invisible? Like, really. No, seriously..am I invisible?

Neurotic Fan Part I

I missed out on the free stuffed animal cause I wanted a beer and the line for beer was zilch and the line for a free stuffed animal was around the block and down the hall.

I was disappointed.

I thought I was part of a bite-size group of people and after the show we’d all sit around in someone’s cramped apartment drinking straight whiskey and maybe doing a little coke.

I thought I’d get to talk up my book and maybe Chuck Palahniuk and Lidia would ask me to join their writers’ group.

It doesn’t matter if you’ve got no experience–all that matters is you’ve passion, and you do, I can see it in you they’d say as I’d shoot back the whiskey hollering Fuck yeah I do! sticking out my tongue and shaking my head back and forth. We’d all cheer and laugh. There aren’t enough writers out there, Chuck would tell me.

I thought I’d be the only girl in a black kimono and that Lidia might point me out to the audience, telling everyone what a good writer I was and some hot guy would spot me and think I was super sexy. Then he’d approach me and we’d fall in love and we’d both be writers and we’d make writer love.

It didn’t matter that I was already in love, and with a writer. Things could always get better.

You already know how this ends: in near full disappointment.

After standing in line with fifty-billion fucking college kids watching them text and say Like and grab eachother’s asses we filed inside where I slipped away to the WOW Hall’s basement bar missing my chance at a free stuffed animal (free to the first 100 people).

It was so quiet down there the bartender had her back to me and was on her knees stocking the cooler. I cleared my throat, ordered a Sierra Nevada, and sat in the corner and read Dora.

I knew Lidia was upstairs signing books for all the, like, college kids and I tried to summon her downstairs with my mind. Cause down in the dark basement bar was where Lidia should be. And, you know if it were twenty years ago it’s where she woulda been. But it wasn’t twenty years ago.

That was a long time ago.