Surrender

How many times
before I learn the lesson?
When I fall, I lessen
Before it was fun and games
cherries, pigtails, self-forgiveness
Now its consequences,
perpetual rain clouds,
ditches.
Shame myself
Smack myself
cry alone
up-in-arms
place blame
point fingers
fuck myself
fuck you too
no, that’s no good,
that won’t do
turn the page
don’t lick the
poisoned apple
turn and run
let my feet
kick up dirt
Live for
responsibility
dignity
prayer
…yeah I may have
dropped the ball
but I’m still here
Forgive me father
for I have sinned
don’t pat me on the
back this time,
you’re not my friend
Mother
Father
I sever the chord
release me
forever
from the mold/
from things so old
stale
gray
black
red black
love me back
light
white
air
I surrender lord
I’m here

The Fine Line

There’s this fine line
with strangers, lovers
I step too close,
and I tend to,
you recoil
like I do,
afraid of snakes.
You wave too
earnestly and I
am disinterested
afraid of your need
like you are afraid
of my need
All we can do
is watch one another
and wait for a move
a move we can both
live with
It is amazing
we are even oriented
facing this same line
at the same time
time time time time
time always brings
us together
don’t wave
don’t step
don’t shudder
whisper at this
love
or get drunk
and battle it out
in tongue
So afraid
so afraid
we are of
one another’s
need
time
time
time
time tells
us when
to love
when it’s
okay
Lately
I                      scare it off
sudden movements
and I have lost
sudden movements
and I fight too
so afraid
you are so afraid
of me
I am so afraid
of you
I can’t house
your need
I don’t have
the energy to
Handsome one,
tell me how high
and yesterday I
would have jumped
but today
this
time
time
time
I bid goodbye
until that day
when we will stand
eye to eye
at the line
the fine line
and the timing
will be right
just right
finally right
for love
to fly

SPARK Project

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I wrote the following story during a collaboration project (SPARK) with Jane Souza Hulstrunk who provided me with this photograph taken near her home in Vermont. It inspired a whopping 1,300 words, this is my “response” to the above photograph.

The Three Musketeers

I want to write about my neighbors. My neighbors down the lane. The ones that live behind the boxwood hedge on that property with the purple house, the green house, and the yellow house. They live in the smallest house, the purple one. The other houses are for pet birds, antiques, and a blond mannequin named Suzanne. Oh, and they have one large space dedicated solely to dancing, which is larger than their living space. Its walls are covered with hand-painted murals–murals of Welsh goddesses, tropical scenery, and deceased K-9′s.

Known as the Three Musketeers, my kooky (and I say that with love) neighbors consist of two sisters and one boyfriend. The three of them share a modest single room living space as well as the same bottle of auburn hair dye. At some point, their hair will fade to a rusty autumn orange and then simultaneously, they will all be rocking the deep auburn color again. The boyfriend has long hair, of course.

I want to write about Saturdays.

On Saturdays, I give the Three Musketeers a ride into town. At least I did for all of summer and fall. I haven’t seen them since the snow hit. Our other neighbor, Ember, told me “Oh, the Three Musketeers don’t go out in Winter.”

I want to write about one Saturday in warm, early September.

I was driving the Three Musketeers to town on route to work. They wanted to be dropped off at a friend’s house downtown–we were deep in conversation (they are all excellent conversationalists) about alternative education, raw food dieting, and reincarnation. No one had told me exactly where I was supposed to be driving, I just knew to go “downtown”. Well, I drove several blocks before interrupting Leeza, the sister-Musketeer without the boyfriend (I think, though someone mentioned that the three have an “odd” relationship), I said to her, “I’m sorry I don’t really know where I’m supposed to go…” and I made a slow left turn onto 12th Street, turning off of the busy four-lane street I was on, onto a side street. I want to write about how I saw a man standing on the sidewalk on the corner in front of a pale yellow and white house and the Three Musketeers all hollered “This is it! That is our friend!” just as I intuitively slowed to a stop in front of our destination.

I want to write about mushrooms and rock and roll.

I want to write about chanterelles, morels, hedgehogs, yellow feet, shaggy manes. I want to write about The Doors.

In the year 2000, my father quit his job as a road-construction worker and opted for seasonal work: mushrooming in the fall, Harry & David of Medford, Oregon in the winter and landscaping in the summer…if lucky. Without a doubt, my father enjoyed mushrooming the most. He studied Mushrooms Demystified, the bible of mycology, took an identification workshop at the local community college, and began tagging along with avid mushroomers every chance he got, tromping through the wet and wild Forest Service and BLM lands of Washington, Oregon, and California. And sometimes, scouring peoples’ backyards. My father hated crabbing, a popular local trade, “too sad” he’d say, shaking his head. He chopped his fingers off at twenty working in a saw mill. Though he never said why, he doesn’t prefer to do that work anymore. But mushrooming, mushrooming was something my father could get behind. He became obsessed, often picking alone but sometimes making hundreds and hundreds of dollars a season, maybe even a thousand, which in my father’s world is considered lucrative.

I want to write about all the times I tromped along with him. In the fall of 2009 and 2010, I was working just up the highway from him at the Oregon Caves National Monument. I was spending a lot of the time crawling around the “back” parts of the cave: the places with no paved trail, no light bulbs, and no head space. Crawling up the mountain sides, looking underneath the manzanita shrubs and alder trees reminded me of caving, and I told him that.

I want to write about mushrooming with the Three Musketeers. I want to write about Linn wearing her Mary Janes and me teasing her for it. I was wearing gators over my jeans and hiking boots. I want to write about Linn some more. Linn, the sister-Musketeer with the boyfriend (perhaps the most loving couple I have ever met) religiously wears dresses. If she wears pants they are tights or leggings, and always with a dress. When we went mushrooming she wore a flowery summer dress with her Mary Janes and nylons. She looked like me going to church when I was nine. It was fifty degrees out. It had just rained and the land was soaked like a sponge.

I want to write about the long-haired boyfriend, Thea, like Theo with an ‘a’. When I arrived, Thea was busy wrestling with a boom box the size of a pit-bull. He had it hoisted over his shoulder and was covering it with a poncho” ‘case it should rain”. It was already sprinkling, but there would be tree cover where we were headed.

“Love hikin’ with a stereo,” Thea said to me with a nod.

“Oh, I’ve never done that,” I replied.

“Oh yeah, keeps the cats away.” he said, alluding to the mountain lions.

Thea wasn’t bringing a bucket. Said he wasn’t any good at spotting mushrooms, “my eyes”, he explained, one eye pointing toward outward and one eye aiming somewhere around my third eye or hairline.

I want to write about how our property borders BLM land and our landlord posting “No Hunting” signs all over so that when we hike we can be sure we’re safe. I want to write about the single-trek dirt trail and crawling over the wire fence and Linn’s summer dress getting snagged on it.

I want to write about Leeza spotting the first chanterelle, of course, and us seeing all sorts of different fungi while listening to Riders on the Storm and Plastic Fantastic Lover and Mr. Tambourine Man. I want to write about the long silver radio antenna snapping off its base and Thea holding the radio together for two full hours, giving up on the hunting and focusing only on providing us with all the groovy tunes, which is not to say he didn’t bitch about the broken antenna the whole time.

I want to write about the pound and a half of orange chanterelles I plucked with my pocket knife and placed carefully into my white plastic bucket, the bucket my father gave me. I want to write about how I keep mushrooms cleaner than anyone I know and when it comes time to cook, the specimens are already free of fir needles, mud, and lichen. I want to write about the meal I prepared for myself after the hike, using store-bought tomatoes from some far-off, sunny place. I want to write about the thyme, the sea salt, and the rosemary. I want to write about the chanterelles. I want to write about eating alone. I want to write about writing. I want to write about it all. Radio. Rain. Lovers and fall. I want to write.

Me & You

This is my…
life by design
Handpicked,
I made it,
mine
I arranged
the people
just so
some near
some not
I did that
you know
I can’t
take credit
for the trees
for the meadows
but I put myself
in them,
just in case
I don’t last…
my body
shall lay
in the grass
Does it feel
like a lifetime?
Just minutes?
Or days?
My mind is
conflicted but
I allowed it
to get that way
I know you
hear me
I know you
know me
I know you
see me
in you
We are
all masters
in this creation
you and me
me and you

Cave Dweller

I tiptoe back
into my cave
here I know
no love
and my dreams
are slaves
the walls they’re
painted with
a man and child
that have no faces
I am unaware
of the setting
and rising of
the sun
because these
walls prevent me
from seeing changes
notes of promise
are left at
my doorstep
letters dated
weeks before
by men
who’ve waited,
but wandered,
ignored
I must emerge
for work and play
but the delights
of the cave
forever tempt
me to stay
where I can
dream in
the dark,
write by
match
and
flame.

Dig

I think I’m at my low
I’ve been in the trenches
so often, so long it’s hard to know
I get down so deep
I dig I dig
until I can’t see the
sunshine no more
the only birds I see
are bats
the only signs of life–
my hallucinations,
my dreams,
my cat
I like it down here
it’s cozy, warm
but blinding
I refuse to stand
up, look around
and face what is beside me–
a life
a life I’ve designed
for one
I’ve got all that
I’ve asked for
as if my future’s
just begun
but my mind it
likes to default
to old habits
fears
and men
I’d carry this life around if
I thought I could depend on it
Mornings are good
my world anew if only
for a moment or two
but nighttime brings
a heavy load unable
to be lifted
no friend to call
no mother’s teet
no man strong
enough to lift it

Hot & Cold & Nothing In-between

I want to be on
top of the world
but am unwilling
to climb even a mole hill
I want to grab IT by
the horns,
by the balls
but I’m either
too weak
or too disgusted
I want fame
but I am unwilling
to emerge from this,
dinged and dented, shell
I want Home Sweet Home
without paying a cent
I want love without
getting naked
I want it masked and
mysterious and
practically perfect
I want pleasure
and I want it to roll
and unfold forever
I want truth but I
like fantasy even better
I want respect,
I want it now,
and without having to give it
I want the Earth but I want
Starbucks to-go cups too
…and cars
I want family but not
red and green holidays,
toothaches,
ignorance,
incest,
smelly bathrooms,
ugly toes,
he-said-she-said’s,
why don’t you’s,
chatter-induced headaches
and taking care of Dad…
I want friendship,
health, and happiness
but I refuse to go out
and get it

I Can Smell You

by Thomas Saliot
by Thomas Saliot

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Your words
and gestures
reverberate in
my head

I cannot fathom
how you got in
I locked the
front door
and the back
I let you in for
tea once
or twice
We maybe
went for
biscuits
and gravy
…and has it
been that
long?

You met my
father
We cursed
our mothers
but I locked
that door
before I left
When did you
get in?
I can hear
your words now,
see your gestures
I can smell you now.