My Friend Soul

I saw my soul
sitting out by the lake
on that old cedar bench
my father gave me

I saw my soul
heaped over like
a bag of leaves
as it wept and
contemplated

I was surprised
to see it there
on such a weathered
winter day and after
the sun had set too

I stood and stared
squinting into the
dark and waiting
for it to move

My soul was
all wrapped up
it was wrapped
around itself
like a tangled
silver chain
link upon link
knot upon knot
year upon year

I could barely
see its eyes
its three eyes
and its head
sticking out there
and its nose
its knowing nose
and its lips
mouthing “hope”

My brain nodded
and carried on
my body yearned
and bucked
and then all three,
brain, body, and soul
surrendered to the
great unknown
I sent out a prayer
for sweet dreams
and joyful awakenings

In the seven a.m.
light the sun shone
upon an empty
cedar bench…
my friend soul had
found some other
place to rest

Surrender

How many times
before I learn the lesson?
When I fall, I lessen
Before it was fun and games
cherries, pigtails, self-forgiveness
Now its consequences,
perpetual rain clouds,
ditches.
Shame myself
Smack myself
cry alone
up-in-arms
place blame
point fingers
fuck myself
fuck you too
no, that’s no good,
that won’t do
turn the page
don’t lick the
poisoned apple
turn and run
let my feet
kick up dirt
Live for
responsibility
dignity
prayer
…yeah I may have
dropped the ball
but I’m still here
Forgive me father
for I have sinned
don’t pat me on the
back this time,
you’re not my friend
Mother
Father
I sever the chord
release me
forever
from the mold/
from things so old
stale
gray
black
red black
love me back
light
white
air
I surrender lord
I’m here

The Fine Line

There’s this fine line
with strangers, lovers
I step too close,
and I tend to,
you recoil
like I do,
afraid of snakes.
You wave too
earnestly and I
am disinterested
afraid of your need
like you are afraid
of my need
All we can do
is watch one another
and wait for a move
a move we can both
live with
It is amazing
we are even oriented
facing this same line
at the same time
time time time time
time always brings
us together
don’t wave
don’t step
don’t shudder
whisper at this
love
or get drunk
and battle it out
in tongue
So afraid
so afraid
we are of
one another’s
need
time
time
time
time tells
us when
to love
when it’s
okay
Lately
I                      scare it off
sudden movements
and I have lost
sudden movements
and I fight too
so afraid
you are so afraid
of me
I am so afraid
of you
I can’t house
your need
I don’t have
the energy to
Handsome one,
tell me how high
and yesterday I
would have jumped
but today
this
time
time
time
I bid goodbye
until that day
when we will stand
eye to eye
at the line
the fine line
and the timing
will be right
just right
finally right
for love
to fly

SPARK Project

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I wrote the following story during a collaboration project (SPARK) with Jane Souza Hulstrunk who provided me with this photograph taken near her home in Vermont. It inspired a whopping 1,300 words, this is my “response” to the above photograph.

The Three Musketeers

I want to write about my neighbors. My neighbors down the lane. The ones that live behind the boxwood hedge on that property with the purple house, the green house, and the yellow house. They live in the smallest house, the purple one. The other houses are for pet birds, antiques, and a blond mannequin named Suzanne. Oh, and they have one large space dedicated solely to dancing, which is larger than their living space. Its walls are covered with hand-painted murals–murals of Welsh goddesses, tropical scenery, and deceased K-9′s.

Known as the Three Musketeers, my kooky (and I say that with love) neighbors consist of two sisters and one boyfriend. The three of them share a modest single room living space as well as the same bottle of auburn hair dye. At some point, their hair will fade to a rusty autumn orange and then simultaneously, they will all be rocking the deep auburn color again. The boyfriend has long hair, of course.

I want to write about Saturdays.

On Saturdays, I give the Three Musketeers a ride into town. At least I did for all of summer and fall. I haven’t seen them since the snow hit. Our other neighbor, Ember, told me “Oh, the Three Musketeers don’t go out in Winter.”

I want to write about one Saturday in warm, early September.

I was driving the Three Musketeers to town on route to work. They wanted to be dropped off at a friend’s house downtown–we were deep in conversation (they are all excellent conversationalists) about alternative education, raw food dieting, and reincarnation. No one had told me exactly where I was supposed to be driving, I just knew to go “downtown”. Well, I drove several blocks before interrupting Leeza, the sister-Musketeer without the boyfriend (I think, though someone mentioned that the three have an “odd” relationship), I said to her, “I’m sorry I don’t really know where I’m supposed to go…” and I made a slow left turn onto 12th Street, turning off of the busy four-lane street I was on, onto a side street. I want to write about how I saw a man standing on the sidewalk on the corner in front of a pale yellow and white house and the Three Musketeers all hollered “This is it! That is our friend!” just as I intuitively slowed to a stop in front of our destination.

I want to write about mushrooms and rock and roll.

I want to write about chanterelles, morels, hedgehogs, yellow feet, shaggy manes. I want to write about The Doors.

In the year 2000, my father quit his job as a road-construction worker and opted for seasonal work: mushrooming in the fall, Harry & David of Medford, Oregon in the winter and landscaping in the summer…if lucky. Without a doubt, my father enjoyed mushrooming the most. He studied Mushrooms Demystified, the bible of mycology, took an identification workshop at the local community college, and began tagging along with avid mushroomers every chance he got, tromping through the wet and wild Forest Service and BLM lands of Washington, Oregon, and California. And sometimes, scouring peoples’ backyards. My father hated crabbing, a popular local trade, “too sad” he’d say, shaking his head. He chopped his fingers off at twenty working in a saw mill. Though he never said why, he doesn’t prefer to do that work anymore. But mushrooming, mushrooming was something my father could get behind. He became obsessed, often picking alone but sometimes making hundreds and hundreds of dollars a season, maybe even a thousand, which in my father’s world is considered lucrative.

I want to write about all the times I tromped along with him. In the fall of 2009 and 2010, I was working just up the highway from him at the Oregon Caves National Monument. I was spending a lot of the time crawling around the “back” parts of the cave: the places with no paved trail, no light bulbs, and no head space. Crawling up the mountain sides, looking underneath the manzanita shrubs and alder trees reminded me of caving, and I told him that.

I want to write about mushrooming with the Three Musketeers. I want to write about Linn wearing her Mary Janes and me teasing her for it. I was wearing gators over my jeans and hiking boots. I want to write about Linn some more. Linn, the sister-Musketeer with the boyfriend (perhaps the most loving couple I have ever met) religiously wears dresses. If she wears pants they are tights or leggings, and always with a dress. When we went mushrooming she wore a flowery summer dress with her Mary Janes and nylons. She looked like me going to church when I was nine. It was fifty degrees out. It had just rained and the land was soaked like a sponge.

I want to write about the long-haired boyfriend, Thea, like Theo with an ‘a’. When I arrived, Thea was busy wrestling with a boom box the size of a pit-bull. He had it hoisted over his shoulder and was covering it with a poncho” ‘case it should rain”. It was already sprinkling, but there would be tree cover where we were headed.

“Love hikin’ with a stereo,” Thea said to me with a nod.

“Oh, I’ve never done that,” I replied.

“Oh yeah, keeps the cats away.” he said, alluding to the mountain lions.

Thea wasn’t bringing a bucket. Said he wasn’t any good at spotting mushrooms, “my eyes”, he explained, one eye pointing toward outward and one eye aiming somewhere around my third eye or hairline.

I want to write about how our property borders BLM land and our landlord posting “No Hunting” signs all over so that when we hike we can be sure we’re safe. I want to write about the single-trek dirt trail and crawling over the wire fence and Linn’s summer dress getting snagged on it.

I want to write about Leeza spotting the first chanterelle, of course, and us seeing all sorts of different fungi while listening to Riders on the Storm and Plastic Fantastic Lover and Mr. Tambourine Man. I want to write about the long silver radio antenna snapping off its base and Thea holding the radio together for two full hours, giving up on the hunting and focusing only on providing us with all the groovy tunes, which is not to say he didn’t bitch about the broken antenna the whole time.

I want to write about the pound and a half of orange chanterelles I plucked with my pocket knife and placed carefully into my white plastic bucket, the bucket my father gave me. I want to write about how I keep mushrooms cleaner than anyone I know and when it comes time to cook, the specimens are already free of fir needles, mud, and lichen. I want to write about the meal I prepared for myself after the hike, using store-bought tomatoes from some far-off, sunny place. I want to write about the thyme, the sea salt, and the rosemary. I want to write about the chanterelles. I want to write about eating alone. I want to write about writing. I want to write about it all. Radio. Rain. Lovers and fall. I want to write.

Me & You

This is my…
life by design
Handpicked,
I made it,
mine
I arranged
the people
just so
some near
some not
I did that
you know
I can’t
take credit
for the trees
for the meadows
but I put myself
in them,
just in case
I don’t last…
my body
shall lay
in the grass
Does it feel
like a lifetime?
Just minutes?
Or days?
My mind is
conflicted but
I allowed it
to get that way
I know you
hear me
I know you
know me
I know you
see me
in you
We are
all masters
in this creation
you and me
me and you

Time To Come On Home

I’m almost at the place!
No fortune-telling
gypsy need tell
me now
I feel a sense
of grace,
of place,
of peace
The day just
opened up,
the sun shone
down so fierce
My father looked
into my eyes, he cried
then my tears fell too
We smiled at one another
under the pines
We stood in October’s
warmest day
I’m coming home, Daddy
I said to him
I won’t hardly wait another day

Reset

I want a
New Life,
mine is
dingy and
dusty
Not even a
year old,
this life is
wasted
This town?
This job?
I need another
I’ll take a
whole new me,
I’d like everything
to be nice and shiny
A rebirth, I’ll get
ahead while I’m
still young
then maybe,
by thirty,
people will
like me or
I’ll have a
baby

My Next Big Thing

71ff1ac339195a49da6e6052ed1812f9I always need a Big Thing in my life.  For the past year, my Big Thing has been a bi-monthly writer’s group in Portland. But now that I need new tires, new disc brakes, and more money and time in general, I’m finding that I can’t pull off going to Portland like I used to (it’s a three-hour drive). All the signals are pointing toward something new, and at this point, I’m looking for anything that will help me accomplish completing my manuscript. So I’ve decided to stay local and sign up for a class at Lane Community College. The class is “Crafting the Novel” and starts on October 3rd. Back to school for me! Fucking, yay. I know, I just know that this is the push I need to wrap things up and begin the editing (and publishing) process.
Here is the description of the class:

This class is designed to assist students not only in writing their novel but to get it published. Whether you have a completed draft, are in the idea stage or something in between, this class will help you develop the discipline, dedication and the skills you need to get that novel written and published. Week by week we’ll workshop our works-in-progress in a supportive and positive setting. Some of the areas we’ll cover include: developing character, plot, dialogue, organization, revision and finally how to publish and market a completed novel.

Major plus: the class is held at the brand-new downtown location, right next to the library and closer to home than the main campus. I am concerned that the class might not be the absolute best fit since novels are fiction-based, but I’m hoping the teacher is flexible (I know that I can be) and will help me adapt my memoir to the structure of the class, or whatever. Because if I’ve learned anything it’s that a memoir needs a plot, climax, and rich characters too. Wish me tons of luck! I really think this is the last leg, the final chapter of my memoir-writing–which all began a long five years ago!